


He Who Dances with Tigers

by dosmilkshake



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Death, happy ending I promise, mention of animal abuse, slight mention of suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 11:09:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13635078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dosmilkshake/pseuds/dosmilkshake
Summary: Kyungsoo trusted the net to catch him, not the tamer with a dangerous smile.





	He Who Dances with Tigers

**Author's Note:**

> **Ticket No. 219**  
>  **Warnings:** anxiety, homophobia, slight bullying, mention of death, slight mention of suicidal thoughts, slight angst, it has happy moments, handjobs, slight mention of animal abuse, happy ending I promise  
>  **Pairing:** Byun Baekhyun/Do Kyungsoo  
>  **Side Pairing(s):** Do Kyungsoo/Oh Sehun  
>  **Time Period:** World War I  
>  **Author's Note:** WOW. This was such a long progress. It feels like so much time has passed since I saw this prompt and fell in love. I really loved this concept and did my best, and I hope the prompter will enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing this. To KC, thank you my dear for listening to my obscure detailing and helping me decide which path I should take. To all my baeksoo shippers and readers, I hope I did well!  
>  P.S. some research was put into this, but completely inaccurate within the delivery.

 

His feet carried him along the tracks. The soles of his shoes were worn, and his teeth chattered as the moon sung a chill through the trees. It numbed his soles that have been carrying him for miles to an unknown destination, up to his knees that wobbled with each step, up to where his arms were crossed over his chest in an attempt to provide what warmth his vest and dirt stained white shirt can’t provide.

Only his head burned from a stinging headache with the scene replaying in his mind. Each time he did, it brought his heart hurting and a whole new set of tears to drip down his face silently. Eyes blurred, he strained to focus on the darkening rocks underneath his feet. The movements of his legs were the only thing letting him know that he is still alive. But not for much longer.

His foot got caught on a log, twisting at the uneven weight sending his body forward. He stretched out his arms to catch himself on the rocks crying out as their jagged edges sliced into the palms of his hand as his whole weight pressed against it. Curling over onto his side, he held his hands above his face to determine the damage. Little gashes lined the bottom of his palms as he dusted away some of the dirt and pebbles that embedded into his skin upon impact.

He cradled his hands closer and stood back up, forcing himself to press forward and find… Well, he wasn’t sure where he was going, but anywhere had to be better than the place he used to call home. The thought brought another sense of abandonment. He was an outcast now. He was all alone. Not even the people who promised to love him above all circumstances rejected their son because…because…

Because a large light stretched out up ahead. It was a beam of hope. A way of escape.

He heard the train before he could make out the body of it as it grew closer and the light grew brighter. He stumbled back from the train as it zipped past, whipping his clothes around his body and rustling his hair. His eyes followed the different sized compartments, multiple cages and metal box cars. One had chipped white cursive letters on the side. He didn’t get the chance to read it while speeding by.

The caboose was coming close, and the boy began to run. His feet were jolted by the quickness and sudden pressure of rocks digging through his shoes. Taking a deep breath through his nostrils feeling the oxygen flare in his lungs, he reached out his arms and fingers barely caught a grip on the bar on the side. The iron sharply stung his open wounds and his shoulder slammed into the metal framing while trying to keep his feet from getting crushed by the wheels, but he held on tighter out of desperation.

Kicking his feet up, he flipped himself over the railing of the caboose and landed on his knees. He groans out suddenly feeling a new level of fatigue. However, he didn’t allow himself to sleep now that he was safely on the train. He needed somewhere slightly warm where the midnight wind didn’t settle into his bones.

Sliding open the compartment’s door, he walked inside holding his shoulder and observed his surroundings. The caboose was full of trunks. He lifted one that was half-cracked out of curiosity and peered inside. Tight colorful outfits with frills and tool was disorderly folded inside. He continued walking and saw something resting perfectly in a square of moonlight.

It was a leather tail with frills at the end. He ran his fingers over the smooth fabric. A whip. Where is he?

Suddenly, a loud voice called out the volume sounding as if the person is getting closer to where he is. The boy frantically searched around for a hiding spot, but the compartment was full of rows of trunks with no crevices to hide between. He ran to a random trunk and flung it open to hide in, but it was completely full.

Desperate and exhausted, the boy froze. He had nowhere to run. He had no home to return to. He was good as dead. He should have just let the train take him. He wouldn’t have to feel any pain and all his suffering would have ended in an instance.

The caboose’s door opened and the prettiest boy he had ever seen walked in whistling a tune. He stopped when he spotted the stranger standing next to one of the trunks. The last the boy remembers was the pretty male stepping towards him opening his mouth to say something he couldn’t hear. Black dots filled his vision, and he slipped into unconsciousness.

 

Deep inside he always knew he was different. He paid far too much attention to the slender bareness of the males’ legs in his class that were shown by their rolled-up shorts rather than following after the girls to sneak a glance under their pleated skirts. He never paid much mind to it because at the end of the day he spent his afternoons under the sun with his classmates laughing, free and careless.

That was until the war came.

It was premonition for the battle on Kyungsoo’s home battlefront that he was going to have fight within his own walls when a boy from the west somehow ended up moving to their little town and sat right next to Kyungsoo. His eyes gleamed mischievously with promises of forgetting responsibilities, something Kyungsoo hasn’t done since he was ten. He introduced himself with a hand stretching out and gripping Kyungsoo’s before Kyungsoo could react and draw his forward.

“Hi, I’m Sehun.”

Kyungsoo was drawn in from the very first sight. Fascinated by the pull of his long eyebrows and fun filled eyes. He had a smile that eased Kyungsoo’s own congested mind. Sehun would make it a game. Help Kyungsoo forget. And Kyungsoo was all more willing to play.

Sehun was like the wind. He came and went, surprising Kyungsoo at the oddest time with his presence and carrying him somewhere they shouldn’t be. They laid on train tracks with Sehun whispering that he used to want to just lay there until he felt the vibrations of the train through the rail. He looked over at Kyungsoo to see if he shared the same sentiment, but the boy only felt saddened that someone could feel so lost. Kyungsoo always felt at home. He couldn’t think of life beyond his little fenced home.

In response, he hugged Sehun and drew him close to his side until they did feel the vibrations of the train and Kyungsoo shot up dragging Sehun with him and racing after the speeding convoy. That was the first time Kyungsoo made Sehun forget.

News bustled as propaganda was spread across the country to join the war.

Soon, Kyungsoo saw one by one the laughing lines around his classmates’ faces turned to worry, but they all pretended it was okay. America would never join the war. They were safe to grow up without a care, just like always. They were free to become anyone they wanted to.

Sehun never allowed him to speak about the war. “Too depressing,” Sehun would tell him, and that was that. Kyungsoo never wanted to push because what if that was the push to blow Sehun away from him. They pretended all was okay and enjoyed their youth chasing after trains with each other’s hands locked together, sneaking it one another’s rooms, and whispering their hopes and dreams on their collarbones until the sky’s gradient went from black to baby blue. They were safe.

Then the Germans came. Their ships just looming near the coast. It was the first warning that maybe they weren’t as protected and free as they thought they were.

Their countless days seemed limited although either would never mention it, just like how either of them never mentioned what it all meant. Surely, his parents were suspicious why their son never mentioned his other friends anymore and that all his stories when he spoke were about Sehun. He had his own secrets. He didn’t tell them his thoughts were always about Sehun. Sehun. Sehun.

America did join the war, but no one was surprised. The second warning.

Sehun was drafted. The final warning.

Kyungsoo stared at the small briefcase that contained all of Sehun’s things that rested beside his legs mocking Kyungsoo. It was a sign he didn’t fit in with Sehun. He couldn’t be carried along with the wind that blew Sehun out to the front. It was silly of him to even think he could paint a life with Sehun.

It was all too wrong and unjustified. Kyungsoo was forced to face all his fears in one second while Sehun got to disappear before they caught up to him. Kyungsoo wondered as they stared at each other how long Sehun had known…how long had he felt desire settle in his heart before he could put a name to it.

“This is for you,” Sehun pulled out a wrinkled letter out of his pocket and placed it Kyungsoo’s palms as they hid between the alley of the shoe repair shop and the post office. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to write often or if I’ll even make it out alive—”

Kyungsoo shushed him, “Don’t say things like that. Y-you’ll make it and come back here to me.”

Sehun nodded despite it being a promise neither of them was sure it could be kept. “I’ll come back to you.” His eyes were watery. Deep inside Kyungsoo knew how hard Sehun tried to be okay and remain strong, but he was just as young as him, and just as lost and scared. Suddenly Kyungsoo could feel the deep hum of a train up ahead.

Kyungsoo’s heart pounded loudly as the boy he spent three years chasing after leaned down. Sehun’s lips that spoke so many dreams pressed against his. It was odd, Kyungsoo had thought, but he thought he liked it as Sehun tilted his head making it a better angle for Kyungsoo because, unlike Sehun, he didn’t grow as much during those three years.

It was all over too soon.

The last time he could make Sehun forget.

Kyungsoo’s eyes opened, when did he close them? Sehun was already grabbing his briefcase and making his way towards the line to check in. Kyungsoo didn’t cry. He couldn’t when he needed to be strong, strong for Sehun. He watched him leave, both showing the best cheerful face they could muster as they waved enthusiastically. Although Sehun wasn’t holding his hand, Kyungsoo chased after the train until Sehun was gone. He forced himself to pretend he will return soon.

But Sehun couldn’t make him forget.

He took the long walk back home. His sluggish steps carried him at a dreadful pace, his mind blurring with each step. He tried his best to focus on what assignments he needed to do that day for school. He could see his parents pacing on the porch. Sighing heavily, they must’ve been worried where he was the whole time.

But as he grew closer his parents, they were glowered with such contempt. They froze when he approached the steps of their porch with looks of fury and abhorrence. He’d never seen those expressions aimed at him or anyone before.

Hands grabbed his collar lifting him up to where he was staring at the unrecognizable orbs of his father. “How dare you come back here after what you’ve done to us?” He was shoved away. Kyungsoo lost his footing on the step and crumpled to the ground, crying out in pain as something sharp scratched his elbow. He looked up in hurt and confusion as his father slammed his fist upon the exterior of their home, “You have brought shame upon us and you show your face to your mother and I.”

Kyungsoo winced at the sound, lowering his head, “W-what have I done?”

His mother laughed with mirth, cold and dissonant. Kyungsoo felt sick. “What have you done?” she scoffed, “You had relations with a male in public. What’s even worse is that one of your father’s good friend mocked us to our face for not even knowing that our son was a freak.” She spat the word with clenched teeth. “The recruiter for the Army now refuses to let you join.”

 “You want me to join the army? Your only son? I’ll die if I go to war!” His voice was raw, cut with confusion, his own spark of anger that ignited with ache he felt in the forming gashes. He got off the ground, shaking. Kyungsoo could feel hot tears stream down his face. Was he hearing right and not dreaming?

“It would have been an honor for the country! Now, your bugger will be pushed in the front line as his punishment for having feelings for the same gender. It’s disgusting. At least his life will be redeemed by doing his duty for the country unlike you.”

Sehun. Kyungsoo dropped to the ground on his knees feeling like he had been slashed in the chest. The meaning of the entire situation hit him hard. Sehun was going to die because he kissed Kyungsoo. He was going to die without even given a chance. Because maybe he had feelings for him that was more than just a friendship. Kyungsoo’s heart felt as if it was being shredded.

“Stand up, boy!”

He barely processed his father lifting him up by the collar again and dragging him away from their steps. “We don’t tolerate unnaturalists in our family. Get out of here before I call the police on you.”

“B-but Dad, I’m your son.” Kyungsoo murmured, his lip quivered as he tried to plead with his father. The face void of emotion or love was not one he had known to belong to his father.  

“You’re no son of mine.” He hissed. Without a look back, he slammed the door on Kyungsoo’s face without an ounce of regret.

He’s not sure how long he stood there until he got feelings back in his fingers. Before Kyungsoo could scramble up, hands were on him. He glanced up wildly to see the boys from his class, those who haven’t got drafted yet, drag him out of his yard. Kyungsoo tried to maneuver his way out their grasp, but his squirming and protesting resulted in a harsh kick to his stomach.

“Who would’ve known we had a faggot in our presence the whole time?” One of the boys laughed before throwing a punch to his face.

The taste of iron blossomed on his tongue. Kyungsoo covered his face reflexively as a foot reared back in the corner of his eyes. He braced for the impact, but it never happened. He peeled an eye open to see the crowd of boys scurrying as a police officer made its way over to him. Clambering up, Kyungsoo threw one glance at his home where he grew up at with its dark windows and sealed door before he dashed off into the woods with a future of isolation ahead of him.

 

 

“’course he got money. Look at ‘im. He all dolled up.”

“Could be a grifter.”

“Jongin, only you would go to those conclusions. You’ve been reading too many of those crime novels.”

“He could! You don’t know who he is.”

“Maybe a yegg.”

“Jongdae, don’t encourage him.”

The boy groaned. His head sluggishly putting together the words around him.

“The yegg is up!”

“Jongdae!”

Blinking, his eyesight came back to see glowing faces from a fire peering at him curiously. The boy scrambled up shocked and disoriented, scooting away from the strangers. A face he recognized as the pretty boy before he fainted scooted close to him and held a ladle in his hand, his other hand cupping underneath it.

“Drink,” he demanded, drawing it to his lips. His voice raspy and deeper than he expected. It reminded him of honey.

Warily, he allowed the ladle to touch his lips. He hissed when the sting from his lip shocked him on contact. A gentle, wet cloth dabbed at his lips. He met a pair of clear, liquid brown eyes that was frowning as he cared for the cut on Kyungsoo’s lip.

He brought the ladle once more to Kyungsoo’s face for him to sip. It still stung, but he was so parched. Warm, delicious liquid slid down his throat and settled into his empty stomach. “Thank you,” he croaked out fluttering his eyes open to meet the male in front of him. He flushed under embarrassment from the sound of his own broken voice in front of the pretty male.

“What should we call ye?” A scratchy voice asks behind the male.

Kyungsoo widened his eyes and shifted under the light of the fire. “K-kyungsoo.”

“Here,” the pretty male handed him a warm wet cloth he was dabbing his lip earlier and motioned for him to wipe his face, “Kyungsoo.” The name rolled of his tongue carefully as if he treasured Kyungsoo’s identity. His brown eyes were sincere and somehow understanding. Kyungsoo’s fingers brushed over his as he took the cloth and wiped his face. It came back red and black.

After a couple of more gracious sips of soup, Kyungsoo’s throat was warm and his vision was clear enough to see his surroundings. He was still on the train. “Who are you?”

The one with a scratchy loud voice stood up and spinned in a flourish, “We are the Kim Brother’s Circus! The best in the entire country.”

Kyungsoo stared at him unsure if he was insane or telling the accurate truth. It was suspicious to him because how could he, now labeled as a ‘freak’, be stuck on a train full of freaks that were proud to be claimed as such. His luck couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Pretty boy rolled his eyes, “That’s Jongdae, the contortionist, beside him is Jongin,” a male with sleepy eyes and a small shy smile waved. “He handles the trapeze with Joohyun and Seungwan. You’ll probably meet her and the others later. And I,” Kyungsoo watched with fascination as his pouty pink lips slowly lifted and formed a wide smile that wasn’t forced nor big enough to make Kyungsoo tense, “am Baekhyun.”

There was a pause where Kyungsoo wondered how to respond. From Baekhyun’s words, he expected Kyungsoo to stay around for a while. Part of him is grateful since he had nowhere else to go. He wondered, if by Baekhyun’s gaze following his every movement and observing him, he knew Kyungsoo didn’t have anywhere to belong.

Kyungsoo dropped his head to look at his hands, still scraped but scabbed over. He listened to Baekhyun’s breathing as he remained sitting across from with his knees folded under his thighs along with the pops of the fire that was in a tin barrel. It calmed him, simmering his pain and thoughts that have been plaguing him since he ran off yesterday.

He looked back up to meet Baekhyun’s silent but curious eyes, softening his own to show his gratitude, “What do you do?” Kyungsoo whispered, his voice so low that he wasn’t sure Baekhyun caught it.

But then Baekhyun grinned, delicate and charming. Kyungsoo felt his eyes drop to stare at his lips as the grew closer until he couldn’t see past his own limit. He felt them though through the light puffs of Baekhyun’s breath exhaling against his cheek, “I’m the tamer.” He whispered back and pulled away to wink.

Kyungsoo’s cheeks heated up from being in such close proximity of a stranger. “I, um…”

Baekhyun held a finger up to stop him, “You should rest. You look exhausted. Here,” he handed him a thin blanket and a rolled-up jacket as a pillow. “Sleep, and we can talk in the morning.” Baekhyun promised as if he could read Kyungsoo’s mind and knew there wasn’t enough time to share the answers they both desired.

Taking the blanket out of his hand and resting his head upon the makeshift pillow, Kyungsoo curled in on himself tugging the blanket close. His eyes fluttered shut with the darkness behind his lids flickering orange. Kyungsoo saw it all: Sehun leaning closer, the icy repulsion in his parents’ eyes, the humor his classmates found in his pitiful situation.

He didn’t know at what memory he fell asleep at, but his dreams turned to follow the cruel events with its own twisted fate. Sehun and he were running by the tracks. Laughter dug lines around Sehun’s eye and around his mouth. Kyungsoo couldn’t hear it behind the whistling that grew louder.

He glanced to his legs moving at a blurring pace as Sehun’s grip grew tighter, and he pushed himself to move faster. Kyungsoo opened his mouth to tell him to slow, but Sehun turned to look at him with that same impish glint to his eyes before his body pulsed unnaturally. His back caves in, knees giving out upon its own weight.

Kyungsoo watched in confusion shifting to horror as Sehun’s shoulder jerks, dark red liquid spraying out of it. He couldn’t look away as his closest friend sunk to the ground. Not even as the background transformed into a battle ground and puffs of smoke were billowing above the raised guns as soldiers came closer and closer to where they were.

He ignored them as bullets shot by his ears, missing him by inches. He bent over and cradled Sehun in his arms as his blood seeped through his shirt as he tried to lift Sehun higher, pull him closer, but the gleam of promises of mischief was gone. Kyungsoo was sure he was crying out, but he couldn’t hear anything over the gunshots.

The blunt end of a rifle knocked into his temple, and Kyungsoo doubled over by the force. He looked up, eyes begging for mercy, the face he stared into is his own father’s. “You are no son of mine.”

“Kyungsoo!”

The male jerked awake, sitting up with sweat beading on his forehead and breath coming out in heavy quick drawls. Something was holding him. Somebody.

“You’re safe, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun had his arm wrapped around his waist. His face was close to Kyungsoo’s, his free hand thumbed over Kyungsoo’s tightened eyebrows then trailed down to wipe over his cheeks. Kyungsoo didn’t know he was even crying until he saw the other’s hand pull away shiny. “You’re safe,” Baekhyun repeated quietly. His fingers dug small circular motions into his spine until he felt Kyungsoo relax under his touch.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered tiredly, tugging his legs close to his chest.

Baekhyun shook his head, “There’s no need to be sorry.”

Kyungsoo turned his head and mumbled into his arm with a short explanation, “I woke you up.”

Baekhyun let out an airy laugh, quiet, forced, and soothing, “I don’t get much sleep with Jongdae around. He likes to kick.” His words were a bit strained, tightening at the consonants.

Kyungsoo won’t press. He wouldn’t want Baekhyun to press questions about why he was crying in his sleep either. “Where is this train headed?”

Baekhyun smiled easily at the change of topic and rapidly spoke a flurry of words, “The next stop is Philadelphia. We’ll arrive in the morning and then we will unload and set the tent up. You will get to see the inner workings of our show and the actual performance the next night. Wait until you see Jongin on the bars, you will be amazed. And Chanyeol, you haven’t met him yet, but he leads the horses, they do this beautiful routine. After you watch the show, we can find a place that suits you the best…That is if you want to stay.” Baekhyun’s voice trailed off with trace of hopefulness.

Kyungsoo studied him through the corner of his vision. They sat in silence just looking into each other’s eyes with some sort of mutual understanding. Kyungsoo could see a story at the tip of Baekhyun’s tongue, one that tells him to stay and wait until he’s ready to share it.

“I have no other place.” Kyungsoo founded himself saying, but for once it wasn’t full of melancholy or asking for pity. Baekhyun didn’t give him any either, he smiled widely welcoming Kyungsoo into his world.

 

When they arrived at the location in Philadelphia, a large red and white striped tent was being lifted high in the sky. Smaller tents dotted the cut grass and pale brown dirt. Baekhyun held onto his wrist leading him around the unloading station and to the back of the caboose where the trunks full of costumes were at.

“Help me unload. This belongs to Jongdae and his team of contortionists, but last time one of them picked up a trunk, they hurt their back and had to quit. I’m hoping you are capable enough to know how to carry a trunk.” Baekhyun was small, Kyungsoo knew because they were the same height. However, he should never let appearances deceive him because Baekhyun easily lifted the trunk into his arms and waited expectantly for Kyungsoo to do the same. Kyungsoo wondered what other surprises the male was hiding.

They unloaded the caboose together, placing all the trunks in the respective white tents for each act. Kyungsoo was dripping in sweat by the time they are done, the humidity settling under his skin. Baekhyun grinned happily at the finished task and dragged him over to where Jongin was sewing sequins onto his outfit.

Jongin’s smile was genuine when he spotted Baekhyun, but as it trailed over to Kyungsoo, he grew nervous and tense with his lips drawn tight.

“I need to tend to the animals, but Kyungsoo, here, wants to learn how to sew! He also needs a rest from helping unload. I’ll find you later!” Baekhyun called with a waving hand as Kyungsoo settled beside Jongin.

Jongin timidly handed him a thin, breezy white shirt with an obvious rip in the material at the seams, “Have you ever sewn before?”

Kyungsoo nodded, “My mother taught me how since she said she didn’t have a daughter, I would have to suffice.” He picked up a needle and thread from the little kit Jongin had at his feet and began stitching.

Jongin gaped and his needlework, “You know how to do a feather stitch? I’ve been trying to figure out how to do that for years!”

Kyungsoo looked at his hands, watching the needle weave through the seams with his hands moving as if it is second nature, “Yeah, I learned this a while back…” He noticed the eagerness in Jongin’s brown eyes as the focused on his quick threading. “I can show you if you want.”

Jongin’s face lit up with excitement and scooted closer to Kyungsoo to watch his slow and practiced movements, explaining the way it should be executed. Jongin’s shyness evaporated within a short time as they bonded over the little lesson and continued with Jongin carrying the conversation about his first-time sewing was with dolls and that he still is scared to look into the toys’ button eyes.

“You’ll stay with us, right?” Jongin suddenly asked with his nervousness from before, his shoulders folding in making him so docile and small.

Kyungsoo shrugged, “I’m not sure yet. I don’t have anywhere to be—”

“Then stay!” Jongin locked his fingers around Kyungsoo’s hand. He jumped back in surprise of his own actions and pulled away with a faint of pink tinting his cheeks, “At least until the end of tomorrow’s show. You won’t regret it. Especially when you see Baekhyun’s act.”

“Jongin! I ripped my pants again!” A loud voice yelled from behind them.

They both turned to see a lanky male was walking around in very short briefs and his bowed legs were bare against the summer breeze. He waved his pants in the air illustrating the hole with his whole hand sticking through it.

Jongin huffed, his shoulders rising with annoyance as he greeted the other, “Chanyeol, this is the eighth time I fixed your pants! I told you not to wear them when you are riding the horses while practicing.”

Chanyeol, Kyungsoo presumed, wasn’t perturbed by Jongin’s annoyance and just shrugged, “The fabric isn’t like good ole jeans. It’s stretchy and soft which is perfect for me jumping on the bare backs of the horses. I can’t have a perfect performance unless I pretend it is. You of all people should know this.” He winked and Jongin flushed then rolled his eyes reaching his hand out despite his lifted eyebrows showed unwillingness.

Chanyeol gratefully gave it to him with a smile then turned to Kyungsoo as if remembering his presence and tilted his head in question, “Who is this?”

“Kyungsoo, he’s out newest addition.” Jongin introduced for him.

Kyungsoo nodded, offering a shy wave.

Chanyeol’s smile grew wider in response showing the gentle, kind curves of his curling eyes, “Ah, are you on the bars too?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, “No, I’m just here…” His dream of Sehun’s unresponsive face settled into his mind. It made the air in his chest run out and swarm in the cavity of his lungs, burning while his eyes grew wide and turned away from the answer.

Jongin responded for him, noticing his sudden silence, “I think Baekhyun might try and morph him into a copy of him.”

Chanyeol snorted, the sound jarring and catching Kyungsoo off guard. He faced Chanyeol who was clapping his hands, “I pray the heavens not. We don’t need another Baekhyun. I think the whole circus would end up in flames.” He placed a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, warm at the touch, “Nice to see a new face ‘round here. Thanks for fixing my pants, Jongin!” Chanyeol ruffled Jongin’s hair before leaving and disappearing in the rows of white tents.

Kyungsoo waited a baited breath before offering to take the pants off Jongin’s hands. The latter grinned and rubbed his hands on his thighs, “Really? I need to find Luna and make sure all the ropes are set up right anyways! Thank you, Kyungsoo!”

Kyungsoo mindlessly sew, letting his mind be emptied as he focused on his hands weaving the needle between each thread humming a song softly under his breath. Article after article, Kyungsoo continued his craft until his hands ached and his stomach slightly grumbled, but after wandering along the train tracks for a day and a half without hardly eating, his stomach had shrunk. He could easily place the thoughts of hunger at the back of his mind.

“Jongin, do you have my shoulder pads…oh, you’re not Jongin.” A male with soft brown hair resting gently across his forehead parted his lips in confusion. “I thought I knew everyone in the circus. I’m Kim Joonmyun, the ring leader of this shindig.”

“Ah, so you must the other half of the Kim Brother. I’m Kyungsoo. I am new to the circus. Baekhyun has been showing me around.”

“You met Jongdae? I’m sure the first impression has you a bit defensive.” Joonmyun chuckled under his breath but smiles fondly. “I’m not surprised Baekhyun is the one caring for you. He’s been known to have good eye for the talented strays. He found Jongin two years ago close to dead in an alley, and now he’s the best trapezist on the East Coast, but don’t let him know that. He already takes advantage of my soft spot for him.”

Unlike Chanyeol, Joonmyun brought a calming wave with him with the soft set pair of eyes and an aptness to listen. He let his clear voice ease the knots in Kyungsoo’s knuckles.

Something in Joonmyun’s words though make Kyungsoo’s elbows itch with an uncomfortable settling in his stomach. He pushed the thought away as his stomach rumbled again and Joonmyun asked with a quiet voice if he has eaten as if Kyungsoo was a kitten feeling cornered. Instead of letting it bother him, he was starving, and he really needed a break from sewing.

Kyungsoo shook his head, “No, not today.”

Joonmyun clucked his tongue, chastising him for apparently skipping both breakfast and lunch. Kyungsoo didn’t even notice that the sun was just beginning to descend. “Come with me. I heard a few of the others meeting up at a restaurant downtown.”

They arrived at a small restaurant with a bunch of mismatched tables crammed together to form on huge one with multiple clinking glasses over the clothed wood and empty plates. “Our fearless ring leader has arrived!” One male with hands larger than the expanse of his head raised his glass, enshrouding it with his hand.

They are ushered to two open seats and immediately are handed glasses full of beer. Kyungsoo recognized Jongdae, Chanyeol and Jongin within the group. Jongin offered him a friendly smile before he turned to talk to the person beside him.

A female with long fiery red hair cleared her throat and stood up on her chair pulling everyone’s attention. “Let’s commemorate this night as the start to our journey in the city of brotherly love-”

“Already starting without me? I’m hurt.” The door opened wide to reveal a winded Baekhyun rolling up his sleeves and scanning over the crowd of familiar faces before landing on Kyungsoo. His lips parted to show a wide boxy smile with the apples of his cheeks flushed from exertion. “You’re here! I was looking all over for you.” He leaned down to say into the shell of Kyungsoo’s ear as the volume picked up at the table.

His hand warmed Kyungsoo’s shoulder as he pressed his weight into it while squeezing down beside him and accepting a mug of beer. He took a long sip before looking back at Kyungsoo and fluttering his lashes when he realized how close they are.

Kyungsoo could see the smooth expanse of Baekhyun’s neck swallow around the golden liquid. His chapped lips mouthed the rim of the glass and he noted the faintest freckle perched at the edge of his upper lip.

“You were looking for me?” Kyungsoo shuffled in his seat trying to dislodge the sudden warmth simmering in his stomach.

Baekhyun watched him carefully, prodding with low words, “Of course. I saw that you weren’t with Jongin, but when I went to the spot I left you at, you were gone.”

“Joonmyun brought me here.”

“Ah,” Baekhyun released a knowing nod of understanding. “He seems to have a sixth sense for new people he hasn’t met yet.”

“He’s completely different from Jongdae.” Kyungsoo commented, his eyes trailing over to where Jongdae is trying to force Chanyeol to chug three beers down meanwhile Joonmyun is quietly smiling at a girl Kyungsoo didn’t recognize conversating with him.

Baekhyun snorted and placed a spread hand on Kyungsoo’s thigh to lean closer as the noise seemed to peak, “They aren’t real brothers. We are all a mismatched family of misfits. Joonmyun found Jongdae when he was five, and they managed as orphans by going around entertaining the streets. It was Jongdae’s idea to start a circus. The rest kind of all fell into place when the rest of us came into the picture. And now here you are.”

Kyungsoo tilted his head, “What about you?”

Just then, waiters brought out plates with food steaming and set plates in front of each person.

Baekhyun inhaled the scent of the food sitting in front of him and winked at Kyungsoo, but there was a hardness to his eyes. “That’s a story for another time.”

Kyungsoo momentarily stared at him as he dug into his meal, wondering how Baekhyun presented himself as such a candid person. He felt like he’d known Baekhyun for a while now, but not as good friends, but as acquaintances that he wouldn’t have minded having small talk with on the street when passing each other. Yet, Kyungsoo knew absolutely nothing about him.

Baekhyun was an open book with a cover promising excitement by the splashes of color, but when you flipped it open you see the pages have been carved out where the words would be at. He was a romance comedy with a sudden twist to the plot full of mystery searing with a pattern of darkness between the lines. He was an oxymoron with constant smiles and positivity, but Kyungsoo wondered how he kept his secrets from bleeding out. Maybe that’s the glimpses get when Baekhyun’s eyes harden or his smiles appeared not to reach his eyes.  

 

The next day was filled with new tasks. Kyungsoo awoke with Baekhyun’s arm flung over his neck despite the distance separating them on their cots. The night before, Baekhyun insisted he slept in his tent since most of the circus acts stuck together only separated by gender. Kyungsoo obliged since he had no other reason to refuse himself a peaceful and warm sleep.

When Baekhyun woke up, he yawned loudly and immediately gathered clothes for him and Kyungsoo to change into and begin the day. Baekhyun had him meet Minseok who has the world’s strongest arms, declared by Baekhyun, and help him install walls for a clear pool and fill it so a girl named Minah who claimed to be a mermaid could perform a routine in the water.

Afterwards, Kyungsoo manned the ticketing booth while people started to show up and wander around some the attractions and preparations for the night’s show. He kept promising each visitor a fantastic show, but even he was skeptical and unsure of what exactly will occur. He met many eccentric people that fit the ‘circus scene’, freaks, he heard someone mumble past him. The night would at least most definitely be interesting.

And Baekhyun had been promising an amazing show by yours truly and even others seemed to be taken with the proclaimed tamer. It built anticipation in Kyungsoo’s bones. Sometimes he would hear the distant roar or the blare of an elephant. It caused him a nervous itch.

Night had fallen upon them with the orange glow of the torches guiding the visitors to the main tent and past where some of the animals were displayed in cages just outside the venue. The smell of roasted peanuts mixed with the scent of shaved wood and live animals. The air seemed to vibrate with excitement. Kyungsoo could feel it thrumming under his fingertips as he hid behind the tent’s flap and watched crowds of people pass with smiles wide on their cheeks.

Kyungsoo waited until the constant chatter and rustling of feet on the bleachers was at its highest volume before he found himself crouching in the dimming lights to view the ring between a set of legs behind the guests.

Joonmyun strutted out behind another opening where Kyungsoo knew they hid all the equipment for each act. A golden beam followed him until he remained in the middle of the ring. He wore a black tailcoat with golden shoulder pads and tassels dangling against his shoulder. His hair was swept up with a painted rod in hand that had a microphone attached to the end. He gestured to the crowd which roared with exhilaration at the sight.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am the one and only Kim Joonmyun! Tonight, I present the best and the weirdest in the entire world.” His voice boomed throughout the tent. His quiet demeanor gone with a casual comfortableness under the spotlight, an easy smile that widened with each applause. “May your worries be forgotten and whisked away as the Kim Brother’s Circus shows you a strange new world.”

The tent dropped to a pitch black, and chatter within the audience picked up again. The spotlight shined again scaling up a ladder to focus on two people balanced on small wooden landings. Kyungsoo recognized them as Jongin and his partner, Seungwan, whom Kyungsoo barely met briefly that morning by a passing Jongin.

Jongin held onto the trapeze bar with a net suspended below him. He sat on the bar as if it was a swing and swayed in their air. He measured the correct energy he needed before adjusting his body until he hung down just by the bar tucked behind his knee.

Kyungsoo watched enraptured with the clock-like swinging motion, not even noticing Seungwan rearing back and taking a leap into the air. The audience waited with bated breaths, releasing gasps when their hands connect. Another girl, Kyungsoo doesn’t remember her name, was almost up the ladder and holding onto another trapeze. She soared through the air, balancing her weight before dipping down. Jongin and her swung at opposite directions in perfect sync while Seungwan did tricks between the two of them, never slipping and executing all her flips.

Then, Seungwan dropped. She bounced on the net, splitting in the air with a large grin on her face as she landed onto the net, then flipped over. Jongin and the other girl followed order with Jongin doing a three-sixty in their air that received hollers from the crowd. Kyungsoo clapped along as their act ended and the next one rolled in with their equipment.

Kyungsoo’s eyes stared with strange fascination as Jongdae flipped after flip into the ring with another contortionist, Soojung right behind in a flurry of elegant cartwheels and twirls. Kyungsoo was sure the rest of the audience watched with twisted wonder as they bent in half and contorted their bodies into what should be impossible shapes. It was more disturbing to see Soojung’s lengthy body knotted into strange angles that made Kyungsoo’s stomach lurch.

Next came some of the singular acts, Minseok’s display of supernatural strength, the man with four nipples, an adult baby, Minah, the mermaid, the woman with a beard, and a man who can eat swords and throw daggers at his assistant without hitting her. Kyungsoo could hear some of the whispers, his mind reeling back to when he returned home the last time. The word ‘freak’ spat at him as scum.

Kyungsoo hardly knew these people, but he knew they didn’t deserve the term ‘freak’, they were just unique. It made him wonder if the circus had found him earlier with Sehun, would they have been their own act by the display of affection, ridiculed for the feelings they shared for another man. The thought left a bitter taste on his tongue.

Chanyeol charged through the ring on a white horse riding it bareback while three other horses followed behind him in a line. Chanyeol flourished to the crowd who responded with enthusiasm. Chanyeol, a charmer with his lips tilted in a confident smirk, raised his left leg to the other side. He had his arms wrapped around the neck of the horse as he leaped from side to side, running alongside his horse. He called forth another and then switched onto a spotted palmetto.

The horses began to line up by an undecipherable call from Chanyeol. Two elephants came out with a woman riding on each with their legs resting on the animal’s short neck. Staff ran out to place two mini stages out into the ring. Chanyeol raised his hands and the elephants began to climb onto the circular stage, balancing their heavy weight on it. Chanyeol guided the horses to circle around the platforms while the elephants carefully moved counter clockwise.

They do a few more tricks with the elephants before exiting the stadium and more odd acts perform. It was strange to Kyungsoo. People were fascinated and entranced by the abnormal. If he saw them on the streets, he too would be quick to judge and avoid. To think that under this tent, only then could these people be accepted and supported.

Kyungsoo was quick to gasp when Chanyeol was out again, but this time without a horse and with a baton stiffly held behind his back. His broad shoulders were pulled back and his chest bare. He could hear some of the girls giggling in the stands at his strong and handsome appearance. Chanyeol brandished something from his pocket and suddenly his baton was on fire.

The lights dimmed and all Kyungsoo could see was the smirk Chanyeol wore as the flames licked dangerously close to his face before he swung around, the baton spinning in his hand in a blurry ring of orange. Chanyeol’s arms flexed as he tossed it in the air and caught with ease. Kyungsoo’s eyes followed the trail or red singe the ground as Chanyeol circled it around switching between his two hands.

He had a flow to him that Chanyeol didn’t carry when he’s not performing. His gawkiness and lack of coordination was untraceable in his performance. Chanyeol bowed, dipping his baton in a bucket of water that Kyungsoo didn’t see put there and the last thing he saw is Chanyeol’s floppy aqua hair.

In the dark, Kyungsoo relied on his ears to sense what was coming. He heard a low growly that most definitely didn’t belong a human. A crack occurred and Kyungsoo flinched. The lights appeared then, and a small smile pulled at Kyungsoo’s lips.

Baekhyun stood in the middle of the ring, glowing in the light. He wore a loose white button up that had ruffles at the cuffs and seams. A long ‘v’ of chest was revealed. A top of that was a black vest, but with royal blue sequins curling like a snake. He had a charismatic smile on his face as he gazed out into the crowd. Kyungsoo knew Baekhyun couldn’t see where he was behind the bleachers, but it felt like he did. It sent a shiver down his spine.

The circus was not meant for the faint hearted because Kyungsoo reared back when a tiger leaped out of dark for the tip of the whip that was in Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun only smiles wider, taking pride in the shocked gasps in the crowd. Another tiger ran out and circled Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo watched Baekhyun in a blur of royal blue that juxtaposed with dangerous orange and black.

In the back of Kyungsoo’s mind was the constant worry that Baekhyun would slip up. The tigers were gorgeous with long sinewy bodies and black stripes that gleamed gold in the light. Their mouths would open in a low growl displaying their long canines that could easily poke a hole through Baekhyun’s supple skin.

Baekhyun didn’t seem at all concerned by the deep rumbles. In fact, he laughed good naturedly and crooned over their low warnings. Baekhyun introduced each tiger, four females and two males, with their own trick. His whip snapped in the air jostling the big cats into action until they were laying side by side. They rolled simultaneously, and the crowd clapped.

Baekhyun leaded them through hoops and high platforms only to jump down elegantly displaying their length and lean muscles. It was a dance between strength and power. Where orange blended with the white of Baekhyun’s shirt and cat’s huffs drowned by the tinkling of Baekhyun’s voice.

Before Kyungsoo knew it, a line of the performers formed and Kyungsoo ran his eyes down the line to find a set lined in black, dangerously sparkling with excitement.

 

It was tradition for them to celebrate an end to the beginning of their show in every new city. Kyungsoo watched with wonder as Chanyeol tipped his head back with laughter and Seungwan leaned heavily onto Jongin’s shoulders. He caught Baekhyun earlier spinning a giggling Soojung around to the beat of the drums.

Everyone shared joy with each other, forgotten was the audience that judged or found a hero in their remarkable performances. They were comfortable with each other, not minding that they all differed from each other. Even Minseok was jovially allowing the ‘smallest man alive’ arm wrestle him even though his hand swallowed his entirely. When Minseok lost with a theatrical protest, he proceeded to cheer for the other by lifting him on his shoulders with hollers and shouts.

It was a new, overwhelming event for Kyungsoo, but he is surprised he wasn’t ready to hide out in his tent until the sounds of happiness put him to sleep. He wasn’t used to Chanyeol passing him a flask with a devious sparkle to his eyes, or the unwinding feeling in his head that followed after a few deep sips.

“You should slow down there,” a low voice warned right by the shell of Kyungsoo’s ear. He shivered in response while barely glancing dazedly at the male behind him.

“I like it,” Kyungsoo smacked his lips together with the remainder slickness smoothing the rosy parted lips.

Baekhyun grinned with the same charming smile he had in the ring with the tigers as he faced danger in the face. Kyungsoo thought that his smile was dangerous in itself. “I’m going to assume it is your first time. And as someone who has been there before, I’d advise you take it with precautions.” He pried the flask out of Kyungsoo’s hand, curling his fingers around his and loosening them from his grip.

Kyungsoo allowed him without any fight, a bit lost in the gleam of Baekhyun’s lip pulling up. “You were amazing,” the words slipped out of his mouth without any thought. He spluttered as Baekhyun preened at the comment, “I mean, it was impressive.”

“Were you charmed? I’ve had the fortune teller tell me I hold the crowd in the same way a belly dancer captivates admirers. Am I your belly dancer, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun taunted with a swivel of his hips.

A flash of warmth passed Kyungsoo’s face as he finds himself actually considering Baekhyun dancing, like he was before, but sultrier with lidded eyes and his arms provoking Kyungsoo closer as his unbuttoned shirt slipped off his shoulder and reveal more of the smooth planes of his chest. He swallowed.

Baekhyun laughed taking a swig out of the flask, his tongue poking out to catch the stray of golden liquid that threatened to drop off the tip of his top lip. “I think tomorrow we will regret drinking this much.”

Kyungsoo snorted, then stilled when he felt brush of something warm caressing his face. He didn’t realize how close Baekhyun was until now. His eyelids were starting to flutter as a yawn escaped. “Let’s get you to bed.” Kyungsoo dragged Baekhyun back to their tent and whispered goodnight to Baekhyun as he curled up in his cot.

 

“I really don’t think my body can bend like that.” Kyungsoo slowly started to step away where Soojung was just ‘stretching’ as she said, but her body was already contorted and bent in half. Jongdae clapped him on the shoulders making him jump.

“No worries. All short fellows are pretty flexible. You just hav’ta try.” Jongdae cartwheeled into a split and winked at the boy with a gaping mouth. He patted the ground for Kyungsoo to take a seat across from him. They began with a few stretches that already make the insides of Kyungsoo’s thighs burn.

While Jongdae was trying to ease him into a split, Soojung tried to take his mind off the fact that it felt like his skin was going to tear. “So, what do you think of the circus so far, Kyungsoo? Is it anything like what you imagined?”

Kyungsoo shook his head while his eyes are squeezed shut, “I never thought much about it. I lived in a small town, and it would have been too expensive for me to travel if there was a circus in town. I suppose I thought what everyone else thought.”

“And what was that?”

Kyungsoo gave up and drew his legs together, rubbing at the sore muscles of his thighs. He felt the vicious words at the tip of tongue, the same words that were thrown at him and he couldn’t find the will to voice them aloud without feeling like he is going to throw up.

“That we’re freaks?” Soojung prompted. She and Jongdae snorted, feeling at ease with the term.

“I—” Kyungsoo wanted to disprove his thoughts to show a better side of him, but he’s no different from the cruel people in his town.

“It’s alright, ya know.” Jongdae grins while Soojung fold her body into a bridge. “Yer’ one of us now. When ys join the circus, ya join a family. And what may be an insult in the untamed wil’ world outside of our tent, is a compliment for us.”

“When I joined the circus, I remember crying the first night after someone telling me in passing that I wasn’t human. Then, Baekhyun, he had joined a few months before me, he told me that what I did was the unknown. People are jealous that we are different and have such unique talents, which is why they label us with words because their brains won’t push past the barrier to surmount to something better. The only way they can feel different is to make us feel small.” Soojung scratched at the bun perched on her head while smiling.

“Now, I can only think how good my performance must have been to deserve such praise,” She ruffled Jongdae’s hair who grins up at her in response.  She scanned Kyungsoo still massaging his legs, “I think it’s time we give the new guy a break.”

Jongdae laughed, loudly and warmly with a soft expression. He placed a palm on Kyungsoo’s shoulder before offering to help him stand up, “Ye’re probably gonna need to put a heating pad on that. Come on, I know just the thing.”

 

“How did the flippity flip thing go?” Baekhyun tossed his shoes into his trunk while glancing over Kyungsoo who had a book from Jongin splayed on his lap. He snorted when he sees the heating pad strewn over Kyungsoo’s thighs.

“I don’t think I’m bent out for it.” Kyungsoo murmured, kneading his knuckles in to his strained muscles.

Baekhyun gasped, “Was that… a pun? Am I mistaken? Or does the newbie actually have humor? I’m telling Jongdae. He’ll never let you live it down.”

“Please don’t tell him.” Kyungsoo responded half-disinterestedly and half-pleadingly. One thing Kyungsoo did learn was that Jongdae is incessant.

Baekhyun leaned over Kyungsoo and whispered close to his ear with a teasing grin on his face, “And Jongdae will tell Chanyeol. And you most definitely don’t want Chanyeol to know because he will tell the entire circus. Next thing you’ll know, Joonmyun will be planning a time set for your comedy act.” Baekhyun cackled at Kyungsoo’s horrified expression.

Kyungsoo pushed him away. “The only comedy act I see is the one standing right in front of me.” Baekhyun hooted loudly, and the corners of Kyungsoo’s mouth twitched.

“I guess I should tell Minseok your training with him tomorrow.” Baekhyun folded his legs, wiggling his hips to make a dent in the cushion.

Kyungsoo raised an eyebrow, “Baekhyun, I am not strong. If you think—”

Baekhyun snorted, “Calm down, he’s not going to make you lift. Minseok helps organize the individual acts. He’ll see if you if you are actually hopeless or not.”

“I appreciate you helping me, but I don’t I have any talents.” Kyungsoo felt warm under his color when Baekhyun stopped to just stare at him. He couldn’t read his expression. It made his stomach gurgle sickeningly.

“Do you really think that?”  Kyungsoo couldn’t understand the emotion in his voice either. It was something he’s never heard from Baekhyun. Scratchy and breathless. He’s only ever known the concern and different version of his smiles that were all a form of happiness. This line that formed between his eyebrows that wrinkled together had Kyungsoo wanting to stretch out his hand and ignore the protesting sore muscles to smooth it out.

He wasn’t sure what to say, and Baekhyun had his piercing stare resting on him. He did believe it, but he didn’t think Baekhyun would like that response.

Baekhyun shook his head, turning away from Kyungsoo leaving the other cold. “Kyungsoo, if you think you aren’t special, you are wrong.” Kyungsoo shivered when Baekhyun met his gaze conviction and firmness. He licks his lips, “You- I hardly know you, your story, but I know you are amazing. I knew from the moment I first saw you, that there is something great about you. I’m never wrong.”

Kyungsoo wanted to believe him, so he nodded like he did. Baekhyun eased a bit, but in case Kyungsoo didn’t believe words, he hugged him, so he could _feel_ the truth of his words. He was inhaling the full scent of Baekhyun, goat milk soap.

Baekhyun was…warm. Comforting. Kyungsoo sunk into the arms that surrounded him and let the crown of his head press into Baekhyun’s. His long, ebony hair slightly tickled his nose, but he didn’t mind. For a second, Kyungsoo let himself forget. He could just rest and not feel any pressure on his shoulders. Closing his eyes, he memorized the blissfulness and the distant feeling of Baekhyun’s thumb drawing circles on his skin.

 

Moving the circus was an ordeal. Kyungsoo was assigned to packing the costumes and taking down camp. By the end of the day, he wished he could just roll into his cot, but Joonmyun needed assistance unpiecing the main tent.

When they were finally piled into the boxcar, Kyungsoo spread out on a blanket. He barely processed Baekhyun resting back lying his head on Kyungsoo’s stomach. He mindlessly weaved his hand in the locks, scratching and massaging until he was fast asleep with little puffs of air escaping his slightly pouty, parted lips. Kyungsoo followed fast after, jolting when they arrived at their next location and beginning the process all over again.

The city they were excited for the unique performers. It lifted everyone’s spirit. Kyungsoo could tell this place was going to special.

 

Minseok paused at every angle as he assessed Kyungsoo’s form. Baekhyun told Minseok to take good care of Kyungsoo before leaving Minseok to hand him a knife and telling him to throw it at him. Minseok was slightly insane, Kyungsoo concluded.

Eccentric is a better word. Kyungsoo later decided. Minseok did not have a death wish, but somehow in his aura-reading brain, he knew Kyungsoo was good with his hands…it just translated into dagger throwing in his brain. Which, he was right. Kyungsoo was pretty good at throwing a sharp object, but he wasn’t about to aim it at a human…or an animal. He got close to the middle of the target after Minseok corrected his form and showed him how to twist his wrist.

However, he was not good enough to surpass the man who swallows swords. He enjoyed his time with Minseok though. He had more of an appreciation for the strange but fascinating talent everyone had.

“Where are you from, Kyungsoo?” Minseok asked taking the daggers out of the target, plucking each one easily with a little twitch in his bicep.

“I’m from a town outside of Chicago.” Kyungsoo took the knives and dug his heel in ground before he threw another hitting the outside of the target.

“I grew up in a small town myself. Before I left, I was working with my dad at only thirteen lifting and loading cargo onto ships. It hardly paid, but we had to get money any way we could. My sisters and little brother were too young to work, and my mom was doing everything she could, but people aren’t as fond of a woman in the workplace. She used to sell bracelets on the streets.

“When I turned fifteen, my dad was offered a job for one of the ships. I stayed working, and he would send his paycheck home. We were better off than before, but it wasn’t enough. When I saw the ad for the circus, I don’t know why I even thought I could fit in, but something about it called to me. I think I saw it as my only chance to escape. I spent most of my childhood trying to help provide for my family.”

Kyungsoo was slowly encroaching upon the middle of bullseye while Minseok talked. He seemed like the type that needed his own space to open up. He wasn’t sure why he was telling him this, but Kyungsoo listened.

“I didn’t even realize I had this weird strength until Joonmyun pointed it out. I used to just help set up the tent and unload until Joonmyun saw me and just asked me to start lifting a bunch of things. I didn’t even notice it wasn’t normal until he told me the things I would lift would take more than just one person. What I am saying is, sometimes you don’t know yourself until someone else knows you enough to point it out.”

Kyungsoo swallowed, bullseye. He flicked his gaze over to Minseok who was twiddling a knife in his hands. “Do you regret it?”

“What?”

Kyungsoo clenched his fist, his nails forming crescents into his palm. If he closed his eyes, he could the wooden door that he used walk in out of close on his face for the last time. He could feel the sharp cuts of his parent’s words and the regret and disgust of having him as their son. How could their years of love turn to hatred so quickly because he lik- kissed a boy? “Leaving.”

Minseok smiled gently, there’s a flash of pain and strain drew lines around his mouth. “I don’t. I still support them, but I no longer feel trapped. I think that’s why my father went out to sea. He felt like he was stuck in this never-ending cycle of poverty. Like him, I am also selfish. I hated it. But I did it, so my younger siblings didn’t have to.”

“I don’t think that is so selfish. Sometimes leaving is best for both parties.” The words burned the back of Kyungsoo’s throat, but once they escaped he knew he made the right decision.

Minseok agreed, “You’re right. I write to them sometimes when I send them the money. The youngest, she tends to write back when I tell where she can reach me.”

Minseok spoke even more freely after. He was easy to be around, nothing forced. He even opened up with secrets on how some people did their trick. Like the woman with the beard had made her own hair growing treatment and used it on her face to grow the red facial locks. Or how Minah breathes underwater so long. Kyungsoo found himself willing to smile as he listened.

“Baekhyun said you were better at sewing than Jongin. Could you make me a new pair of trousers? Mine won’t stay up on my waist.” Minseok asked while they go get dinner. He tugged on the belt that had folded the cloth where it was loose.

“Sure, I just need your measurements.” Kyungsoo nodded with a slight smile. Minseok wrapped his arm around his shoulders as they walked.

“Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol slapped him on the back coming from where the animals were held, “If you don’t have any plans tomorrow, you should help me with the horses. They need to go for nice ride. I hate seeing them in such limited spaces.”

Kyungsoo shrugged catching Minseok smiling encouragingly at him. “I don’t have much experience riding, but I’ll help.” Not as if he had much to do. Chanyeol grinned, his lips stretching over both sets of teeth. It was supposed to make Kyungsoo feel welcome, comfortable, but he was on edge.

 

“This is Rain. She’s the tamest and sweetest. The coldest heart couldn’t stand against her. You’ll be riding on her. I’m taking Queen Mary.”

“Is there a King George V?” Kyungsoo petted the gray-spotted horse. Rain nuzzled her snout into the warmth of Kyungsoo’s palm. He looked over to Chanyeol, who was tightening the straps on the snow-white Queen Mary. She shuddered and stomped her feet.

Chanyeol cooed, “You’re not used to this feeling are ya girl?” He smoothed the hair on her hind leg before turning to Kyungsoo. His eyes were soft. “You ready?”

Angling his foot in the stirrup and hefting himself over by swinging his leg, they circled around the campus. Baekhyun called after him with a wave of his smudged handkerchief, declaring, “My Prince Charming is here to ride me off into the sunset.”

“Keep waiting, Romeo,” Kyungsoo flushed and glared at him while spurring Rain to walk faster.

Chanyeol chuckled as he led them down a paved path, “How is it living with Baek? He hasn’t had someone share a tent with him in years.”

“He always comes back smelly.” Kyungsoo said immediately, wrinkling his nose when he remembers the way Baekhyun came back after feeding the tigers their dinner and encased Kyungsoo’s head in hug with an excuse that he missed him. Kyungsoo just needed a good reason to hit him.

“You get along with him well.”

“Doesn’t everyone? He’s probably the chattiest person I have ever met.”

Chanyeol snorted, “You don’t have that wrong. But I mean _you_ get along with him well. Everyone loves Baekhyun. He wears his heart on his wrists, but you…you hide yours. I know Baekhyun can be a bit much when you aren’t used to it. I’m glad to see that you play with him well.”

“He’s only a few years older than me,” Kyungsoo could feel his lips twitch into a slight smile, “but he has way of making those years disappear.”

“Or you are bit mature for your age. I’m only a decade older, and even I know there have been events in your life that have aged you more than I have. Look at the trees ‘round here. I grew up far north, and there’s about the air that just makes the trees grow bigger.” Chanyeol rambled on about the scenery, but Kyungsoo lost focus at his words.

His chest tightened, eyes watering. Did everyone view him as some hardened exterior that has a mystery story they are trying puzzle together? The thought kept his head busy, brimming with anger. Was Baekhyun just trying to pick at his screws the entire time, figuring which wires went where?

It hurt knowing Baekhyun thought of him that way. He thought maybe he had car—

Kyungsoo tried to remain civil the rest of the time. Luckily, Chanyeol seemed to notice how silent Kyungsoo went and urged the horses to a sprint until sweat was slick on the horses’ neck. He brushed down Rain and fed her a few treats before returning to his tent.

Kyungsoo tried to distract himself later in their tent with a book, but he’s read the same few pages a couple of times. Baekhyun entered a few hours later whistling. His jovial mood got on Kyungsoo’s nerves. He waited for Baekhyun to address him.

“How was riding, Soo? Do your legs hurt?”

“Like you actually care,” Kyungsoo spat with venom.

Baekhyun sat on his own cot, looking completely befuddled by this sudden harsh treatment. “Is this about earlier? You know I was just kidding with you.”

Kyungsoo threw his hands exasperated, “This is not about earlier. This is about every minute you spend with me. I- do you think I am just some experiment you can study? I’m not a puzzle, Baekhyun. You go around like you know me and you have me figured out, but you don’t. You don’t even know the half of it.” The knots in his chest tightened with each inhale and he hated the way Baekhyun was looking at him…l-like he hurt as much as Kyungsoo did.

Baekhyun scooted closer, his knees inches from the edge of Kyungsoo’s cot. He pulled his arms around his front cradling the elbows between his fingers. “Kyungsoo,” he licked his lips with a pause. Kyungsoo watched, biting his own. “I never thought of you like that. You-when have I tried to figure you out? You came here with a past, like all of us. That doesn’t mean you have to share.”

“Don’t-don’t compare me to you or anyone here. I’m not like you.” It was getting harder to breath, caught in his chest and pressing all the oxygen that won’t escape down into his stomach making it groan in discomfort.

Baekhyun rose and paced in the limited space, “Why? Because you think you are better than us?” His eyes were sparked with fire. Unlike the gleam when he performed, this was threatening to consume Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo needed to put it out before he got burned, “No! Not even. I am lower than you. Everyone is so talented and special, and I’m nothing. If you knew, you’d be dis—”

Baekhyun winced. He settled beside Kyungsoo and laced their fingers together. Kyungsoo tensed at the action, staring at where Baekhyun was thumbing over the bubbling veins. He had a unique freckle dotting just below his nail.

“Don’t ever say that. You are unique and special, Kyungsoo. You’re so special. Every person here is different. Not a single one of us is the same, and we use what society dislikes about us and use it to our advantage.” Baekhyun lowered his head, his black hair covering his eyes from view. “We’ve all been rejected or abandoned by society in some way. We- I know the hardships, but I learned from it so I can move on.”

Kyungsoo leaned back, the knots easing as Baekhyun smiles pained, but his gaze so vulnerable and open to Kyungsoo. He could reach in and pick each emotion out of it. He did this to Baekhyun. He placed a shadow over the stars in Baekhyun’s eyes. “Baekhyun, you don’t—”

“No, you should know. I want to tell you.” Kyungsoo squeezed his hands and Baekhyun squeezed back, light flickering back. “I didn’t join the circus until I was fifteen. And before that, I didn’t have much hopes of becoming much. I grew up in an average home. My dad had a nice enough job that my mom could stay home and care for my older brother and me. I don’t remember much, but it was perfect. Our family was what others wanted. A perfect family of four, happy with sky as the limit.

“Then my brother got sick with tuberculosis when I was seven. My mom fell ill shortly after. All of our money went to helping them get better. They went to a big hospital just meant for patients like them. My dad and I weren’t able to visit often. It was very strict policy. When my brother died, my father told me not to tell my mom. I didn’t get to say goodbye or even mourn, he was just gone. I had to keep it all to myself. As if he never existed. My dad just drank a glass of whisky and locked himself in his room.”

Kyungsoo could picture little Baekhyun sitting on the rug when he was told the news. He would pause playing with his toys and blink his droopy eyes at his father. His tears were wiped away by his own sleeves.

“I was there with my mom when she died. I held her hand telling her about school. Her last words to me were to take care of my brother. After that, my dad just disappeared. I’m not sure what really happened, but he never came home. I would go to school and take care of myself the best I could, but I got distracted on the walk home one day. I got lost, and I couldn’t find my way back. I found this cat that crawled into my lap as soon as I sat down. I had to beg for money. Some part of me knew that my dad was never coming back, and I was going to be my own family from then on. That’s when I met this man, Mr. Jo, trying to take my cat.

“I must have been a pitiful sight, begging this stranger to leave the cat be so we could be together. He was the last member of my family, and I couldn’t let him go. The man must have felt bad for me and took me to his home with the cat, promising me that he had even more animals for me to play with. He owned a small piece of land, a preserve for big cats. He had mostly tigers, some he rescued from other countries, and one lion. He cared for me, taught me how to care for the animals. I stayed with him until he passed away. I couldn’t care for the animals on my own, so I saw a flyer about the Kim Brother’s Circus and asked them if they needed a dangerous but thrilling act. Now, here I am.”

Kyungsoo frowned, feeling that gnawing gash tear at his stomach, “I-I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes and scooted closer until their shoulders touched. His hand entwined with Kyungsoo’s, “You don’t have to say anything. You listened, that is enough for me. And you don’t have to breath fire, be a master of swords, or fly? That’s what makes them unique. You are you, so smart and have this great sense of humor and are so talented at sewing.”

Kyungsoo’s cheeks pinkened, heart hammering in his chest.

“Now,” Baekhyun’s hand slid out of his and patted his thigh, “Why don’t I teach you how to care for my kittens?”

Kyungsoo tried to go to sleep that night, but he felt the lasting warmth of Baekhyun’s digits curling around his leg and pressing to the inner of his thigh. More importantly, he felt warmth in his chest from Baekhyun’s words. For the first time in a while, he slept peacefully.    

 

Kyungsoo felt lighter than he had in weeks. He shadowed Baekhyun around the circus learning the ins and outs to his role. And during that time, Kyungsoo can’t ignore the way he smiles too easily around Baekhyun and that Baekhyun’s bright personality seemed to have an effect on Kyungsoo’s mood.

He was happier, that’s for sure. But he couldn’t exactly explain why he was on alert every time Baekhyun was near, and the fact that he wanted him around even more.

“Do not be scared. They smell fear, and more likely they are scared of you.” Baekhyun said softly, lips ghosting Kyungsoo’s hair line because the younger was that close. He was pressed behind the tamer, clutching onto his arm as they entered the cages.

Baekhyun helped him feed the tigers earlier, but they were in their cages then. “Head up, cowboy.” Baekhyun teased him.

Kyungsoo bristled, but he puffed out his chest and slowly approached the first tiger.

“This is Beom. I named him after my brother. He was the first tiger that I ever considered mine. I trained him myself after he was rescued. He arrived a few weeks before Mr. Jo died. At that time, he was just a cub. Let him approach you, Soo. Stick out your hand. There you go.”

Baekhyun’s praise filled Kyungsoo with pride, but he was timid when the hot breath of the large animal huffed over his palm, just a short distance from being in contact. Millions of images flashed before his eyes of being attacked and that his life would be over in a few short…

“It’s soft.” Kyungsoo breathed.

Beom, the tiger, nuzzled into his palm. Kyungsoo spread his fingers over the ribbons of black and orange. He was amazed at the tenderness of the animal. He gently scratched over planes of its head and behind the ears that earned a surprisingly loud purr. He must have gasped because Baekhyun was chuckling under his breath and moving to stand beside him. “He likes you.”

Kyungsoo smiled at him, “He is like you. He likes people’s attention.”

Baekhyun nudged his shoulder playfully. “Don’t compare me to an animal. It’s not nice.” He waggled his fingers in front of Kyungsoo’s face and the younger snapped at them with a smirk. “Temperamental kitten.”

Kyungsoo’s smirk transformed to a glower, “Call me kitten one more time and you won’t have fingers.” Beom suddenly slinked away from his touch and flattened himself against the ground, rolling on his stomach looking at him with yellow eyes. “What is he doing?”

Baekhyun grinned, “A belly rub. One thing we do have in common.”

Kyungsoo skeptically looked up at him getting on his knees, “A belly rub?” Baekhyun scratched his stomach just to prove his point.

“Come meet the others. They’ll think you’re playing favorites if you stay longer.” He pulled Kyungsoo away from the protesting Beom, holding his hand firmly as they go to the other cages. He never let go either.

 

“Balance, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun snickered, not even hiding his amusement behind his folded hat. If Kyungsoo wasn’t so focused on not falling, he would glare at the male. The tightrope shook with each pulse of command his brain sent to his limbs to remain still.

Joohyun, although a trapeze artist, also specialized in doing special tricks along a thin rope that was not nearly thick enough to walk across steadily. Yet, she had showed off earlier with little cartwheels with confident hands and easy grins. Kyungsoo gaped at her while Baekhyun continued to nudge him with his elbow.

Although the tightrope wasn’t set as high as it normally was, only a few feet above the ground suspended between two trees. It wasn’t high enough to fall off to be in any harmful danger, but Kyungsoo was vulnerable by Baekhyun’s teasing and sharpened canines flashing with trouble.

“I would like to see you do this, Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo gritted back with a canyon forming between his eyebrows. His arms were outstretched, poised and ready to catch him when he falls. Baekhyun leaned against one of the trees, giggling as Kyungsoo reared back, losing his balance. He caught himself before he went spiraling off.

“Aw, now, Soo. You’d know I’d fall off. You don’t want to see me hurt?” Kyungsoo could hear his smug grin over his taunting.

Kyungsoo flitted over to Baekhyun for a second before he took a successful step forward. “I would very much enjoy your pain.”

Baekhyun began to whine, but then he heard a definite thump. “Ow,” Baekhyun pouted, rubbing the back of his head.

Joohyun smiled proudly with her hands on her hips, “You deserved it. Stop distracting Kyungsoo just because he’s doing better than you.”

Kyungsoo smiled as he took another step and decided to call it quits before he really did fall. Baekhyun was there with an outstretched arm and Kyungsoo took it, landing on the soft grass. Baekhyun snuck his arm around his waist and tucked his chin over Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“That’s not true. Don’t believe her lies, Kyungsoo.” He said pointing an accusing finger at the girl.

She gave Baekhyun a pointed stare, “He landed you know where on the rope and laid on the floor claiming his manhood had been mangled in the incident. It was very pitiful.”

Baekhyun moved around to face Kyungsoo, their gazes meeting, “Who are you going to believe? Her or your lovely roommate?”

Kyungsoo flicked Baekhyun’s shoulder, “Her, obviously.” The he lowered his voice to where Joohyun couldn’t hear him as she untied the ropes. “Plus, I’ve seen you naked. I was concerned what had happened.” He glanced down below Baekhyun’s belt, ignoring the heat up his neck and relishing in Baekhyun’s tinted cheeks.

The tamer whined again, “It’s perfectly normal!” His voice rung through the camp ground and Joonhyun giggled at Baekhyun’s antics. Kyungsoo only smiled wider, winking as he left Baekhyun to sulk alone to help Joohyun.

 

Kyungsoo either spent his days caring for the tigers, sewing, or offering a hand wherever it was needed.

“You have an eye for fashion, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun admitted while he had his feet pressed into Kyungsoo’s thighs, watching him fix the ornaments on Soojung’s outfit. Kyungsoo really looked at his work where he was mindlessly sewing more decoration to the material. It was pretty, Kyungsoo thought, but nothing special. “It’s grand. Almost too fancy for a traveling circus. Really. How did you learn?”

Focusing on his threading, “My mom. She used to sew school uniforms for the girls and right before school would start, she would be overwhelmed with so many orders. She taught me, so I could help. I think she just wished she had a daughter.”

“Do you miss them?” The question was sudden.

Kyungsoo paused and met the distant and guarded gleam swimming in the pools of Baekhyun’s eyes. “No, I don’t.” It wasn’t an exact lie. He didn’t miss the people his parents were now. He missed who they once were, and what he had. Yet he is grateful for what happened because he would have never met Baekhyun. He wouldn’t trade his friendship for a life time.

Baekhyun pressed his lips together, “You have me now.” Kyungsoo swallowed the fluttering feeling in his chest and continued his task nodding to Baekhyun’s humming.

 

“Hurry, Kyungsoo. The bathhouse has warm water.” Baekhyun pushed the fabric folded on Kyungsoo’s lap off and forced him off the chair. Kyungsoo was excited. Warm water was hard to come by when your home had become a tent. They rushed to the bathhouse that everyone in the circus used, one side for the males, the other for the females.

Peeling their clothes, steaming buckets of water claimed the walls opposite of the entrance. Kyungsoo has bathed with Baekhyun before, but that was when multiple people were there. This time, they were the first to arrive. The steam seemed to clog Kyungsoo’s pores from exhaling the heat swirling in his lower stomach when Baekhyun’s broad, firm shoulders become bare.

His skin was the color of the carmel candies Kyungsoo would always steal from his mother’s purse.  Kyungsoo grabbed his rag and dipped in the steaming water and rung it out over his chest. His stomach undulated at the contact. He rubbed his arm feeling goosebumps rising at the temperature. He glanced over and Baekhyun was staring at him with a glazed look.

He jerked his head to stare off at something before meeting Kyungsoo’s eyes. His cheeks a pretty pink. “Help me scrub my back,” he offered his clothe to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo felt dangerous. He couldn’t let his vision slip further below the dips of Baekhyun’s back, couldn’t allow himself to just imagine. Baekhyun stepped forward until their toes were almost touching. He flashed a timid smile, something Kyungsoo wasn’t used seeing on the tamer before presenting his back. Their fingers stayed in contact for just a moment longer than needed when passing the clothe.

Kyungsoo watched mesmerized the clear liquid drip down Baekhyun’s back as he passed the clothe over the smooth expanse of skin. Baekhyun whispered a ‘harsher’ then chuckling ‘I’ll be just as dirty as before’. He put more force in his stroking, sliding the rough fabric over grooves and dips of his back.

Baekhyun rolled his head forward, lolling with gentle inhales. When Kyungsoo deemed Baekhyun dirt free, his back was a deep red, shiny. He thought that would be it, but Baekhyun stole his rag and dipped it into the warm water. His fingers curled over his shoulder and turned him around.

Kyungsoo focused on the deep scraping, but his breath hitched when Baekhyun wrapped his hand around his hip to still him. Baekhyun kept it there unaware that Kyungsoo’s nails were biting into his palm and his mind was racing with images…not of that kind.

Kyungsoo thought the tamer was dangerous, but Baekhyun proved him wrong with the slip of the clothe going lower until it just brushed over the dip. Kyungsoo really stopped breathing. Baekhyun’s thumb rubbed circles into his hip bone when he noticed how tense he suddenly became. It was torturous for Kyungsoo. The steam made his head light unable to find the solution as to why was Baekhyun doing this in the fog. All he knew was Kyungsoo had to get control of himself. Luckily, a loud and bumbling Chanyeol entered with a goofy grin spread over his face.

Kyungsoo noticed the slight more distance Baekhyun put between them and exhaled when Baekhyun’s hand dropped from all contact. They both faced the wall and began to scrub the rest of their bodies.

“You helped wash each other? You should have waited for me.” Chanyeol petulantly whined after shredding off all of his clothes. “Which one wants to help me?”

Baekhyun snorted and winked at Kyungsoo that brought a flush up to the younger’s neck. “Find your own bath buddy. Kyungsoo’s mine.” He pulled his towel tight around his waist and began to dress.

Chanyeol pouted, “Can you at least tell Jongdae to come? He would be willing.”

“Sure, sure,” Baekhyun waved him off with swing of the door.

Kyungsoo hurriedly finished his bath and dressed before Chanyeol could coax him to help peel the dead skin off his back too.

 

Their friendship was slightly different since. Maybe it was Kyungsoo, but sometimes he would catch more fire in Baekhyun’s eyes when they mat gazes. It made him shiver and prickle with desire between his legs.

It worsened when they went to bed. With their cots side by side, sometimes he would wake up with Baekhyun pressed up against him, face nestled by Kyungsoo’s neck, or his limbs would entwine with Kyungsoo’s sometime during the night. They never talked about it. Baekhyun would just get up when he awoke or snuggled deeper no minding that his arm or thigh was close to Kyungsoo’s wakened member. He couldn’t even find a way to rid of the heat under his collar because he’s never really experienced this feeling quite before.

Not even when his classmates would talk about girls and the differences of chest sizes or what was hidden under their skirts. Kyungsoo didn’t even care. Sehun and he never talked much about those types of conversations either. The closest they got was about kissing, and it was all so brief that it could be easily overlooked.

“The boy who sits in front of you, I heard he got switches for kissing the banker’s daughter.” Sehun had told him while swinging on low branches. He was so tall that his knees had to bend so he could put most of his weight on the tree.

“Kissing?” Kyungsoo blinked and squinted up at the boy. The sun was high in the sky and bleeding through the shelter the leaves were supposed to provide.

Sehun squatted down beside him, “Yeah, this town is weird. I have never heard of kids getting punished for an innocent kiss.”

Kyungsoo shrugged. He never thought about it before. Sure, he had considered kissing before, but it went with the light breeze. Kissing was not something he needed to experience yet. Who would he even kiss? “Maybe it wasn’t innocent. Don’t girls stay pure until marriage?”

Sehun plopped on the ground and knocked his knees with Kyungsoo’s, “Will you stay pure until marriage?”

“What- I,” Kyungsoo frowned, closing the book on his lap. “I’m a boy.”

Sehun’s lips twitch in mock playfulness, “Obviously. If you won’t stay pure, why should girls?”

Kyungsoo sucked in the inside of his cheek. “I guess you have a point.” Sehun flashed a smug smile and situated against the bark of the tree. He’s not sure why his heart suddenly leaped in his chest when he blurted, “Will you stay pure?”

“Who says I still am?”

Kyungsoo’s frown deepened. “Who have you kissed?”

Sehun leaned forward, “Maybe it’s not about who I have kissed but who I think about kissing.”

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, huffing, “That doesn’t make sense.” Sehun just chuckled and stole Kyungsoo’s book in a game of chase.

Kyungsoo never felt the heat of fire licking the lower pits of his stomach. He did recognize the soft pattering of his heart. Except with Baekhyun, it beat so hard that he wasn’t sure if he was walking. Maybe he was getting a fever, some type of hay fever. He didn’t want to consider anything more. His stomach twisted with bile just considering the possibility…

There wasn’t a chance. He was wrong for every dare to think anything less. He had forgotten he was sick. Perturbed. He couldn’t pass it to Baekhyun. No one deserves to suffer except himself. Thinking like this cleared his mind for a few days, but it didn’t make his feel any less sick.

“Kyungsoo, can I speak with you?” Baekhyun spoke while they were grooming the tigers a day after moving camp again. Kyungsoo glanced over at Baekhyun smoothing Beom’s vibrant coat.

Kyungsoo waited for Baekhyun to speak.

“There’s something that I’ve been think about for a while now. You’ve been with the circus for some time, and I’ve been feeling these things for—”

“Baekhyun!”

Chanyeol came jogging by with a long hat perched on his messy hair. He was breathless, leaning over his knees as his chest tried to fill his lungs. Baekhyun dropped the brush he was using and got out of the cage. He wrapped an arm around Chanyeol, concerned. “Joonmyun, he needs to talk to you immediately.”

Baekhyun threw a worried glance to Kyungsoo. He licked his lips with a promise of a conversation later. “Finish up for me, will ya Soo?”

Kyungsoo’s eyebrows wrinkled together, “Is everything okay?”

“Emergency post.” Chanyeol explained finally gaining his breath as Kyungsoo watched Baekhyun’s fading back.

 

Baekhyun returned when Kyungsoo was just about to fall asleep. He blew out his lantern awhile before drifting to the sounds of crickets. That’s when the tent flapped pouring a sleek line of moonlight over Kyungsoo’s curled up form. Baekhyun’s face was covered in darkness, Kyungsoo couldn’t read it through his squinted eyes.

He sat up, blankets crumpling at his waist. “You’re back.”

Baekhyun jolted, and the corner of his lips tugged down, “I didn’t know you were still awake.”

Kyungsoo yawned, scratching the back of his neck, “I was about to fall asleep. Where are you going?” Alertness cleared his vision while Baekhyun started to toss a couple of clothes into his satchel.

“There’s been a rescue in California.”

Kyungsoo bit his lip, “What does that mean?”

Baekhyun sighed and sat on his cot, diagonal from the younger. “A tiger was shipped over from Korea, rescued from some traders trying to sell its pelt. The tiger is really sick from being abused and starved. My friend over there asked me to come to see if I can help. I’m going to California. The earliest train is in a few hours.”

“So soon.” Kyungsoo’s chest was hollow. He toyed with fraying material of his blanket trying to keep his mind off Baekhyun going to be gone in a few hours.

Baekhyun tilted his face so Kyungsoo would be directly staring into his assuring eyes. A faint smile curved the slants. “I’ll be back soon. I promise. Will you be okay taking care of the kittens? I don’t trust them with anyone else or I would ask you to accompany me.”

Kyungsoo forced a smile back, “I suppose I will have to since Chanyeol is scared of them.”

Baekhyun snickered. “When I get back,” He cupped the side of Kyungsoo’s face, shocking the younger. He had such a tenderness in his eyes that Kyungsoo prevented himself from squirming under the heavy gaze. “I’ll tell you what I wanted to say.”

Mouth dry, Kyungsoo nodded. Baekhyun inclined forward and pressed his thin lips to the middle of Kyungsoo’s forehead. “Take care.” Baekhyun sealed the kiss with a brush of his thumb over the tingling area. Then he was gone, off into the night.

Kyungsoo didn’t get much sleep, dreamed that Baekhyun was snoring loudly in his ear. But when he rose, the cot beside him was cold.

 

Kyungsoo missed Baekhyun. He needed him there with him, to hear his voice, his careless laughter. He needed his presence to ease the forming knots in his chest. It had only been two days, but Kyungsoo was going stir crazy. He never knew how much Baekhyun’s presence affected him until it was gone. There was no doubt he wasn’t attached to the tamer, but how much?

After finishing up his duties and caring for the tigers, Kyungsoo decided to go through his things and clean up, maybe he would fix the few tears on his clothes he had worn when he first met Baekhyun. As he was going through his trunk pulling out his clothes, a letter fluttered to the ground. Kyungsoo sat on his knees and read over the dirt covered paper. His name was addressed on it in blotched ink. Kyungsoo thought back to where this could have come from.

Peeling it open, he unfolded the contents inside and a chocked sob caught in his breath. It was from Sehun. He had forgotten about the letter Sehun had given him the day he was forced to leave. He stared at it feeling hot tears run down his face and waited until his vision cleared before reading it.

The writing was slightly faded, and papers were creased, but it was legible enough for Kyungsoo to mumble to message under his breath like the words so precious he had to taste it on his tongue.

_Dear Kyungsoo,_

_You are my best friend, never forget that. I am sorry for the way I left, but I needed you to know how I felt. I am not sure what the future holds, but I hope I get the chance to see you again to tell you how I feel in person. You are the only person I could be myself around and not worry about judgement._

_From the first time I saw you, I knew we would be good friends. My heart was beating fast and thoughts about you on my mind just came after. I am not sure if you have ever liked a boy before, but I have. It was only a crush, but before I could tell him, we had to move away. I didn’t want the same to happen to us._

_I may never get the chance to say it, but just remember no matter what happens, I will always be with you. Never forget that fact and who you are. It is morbid to think, but it is honest, if we never meet again, my only wish is to follow your heart like I did. Do this for me, please. Live for me._

_Love forever & always,_

_Your Sehun_

Kyungsoo’s hands trembled. Pulling the letter close to his chest, he tucked his knees to his chest, lying on his side against the floor as silver tears slipped down his cheeks and little pants of agony escaped his lips. It was a pain he never experienced before. Sehun’s letter confirmed the thoughts that he hid in the back of his mind.

Sehun, his dearest friend, knew of his fate. He knew the likeliness that he wouldn’t return home, wouldn’t return to Kyungsoo’s waiting arms. Kyungsoo felt a sudden surge of anger boiling in his blood. The unfairness of the selection. How Sehun was chosen to fight and not him, how his friend was probably just used as a sitting duck, how he had to face the battlefield and death when he had his whole life set in front of him. But it was all stolen without a fight.

After spending months not thinking about what had occurred, Kyungsoo suddenly found a new set of time to consider everything and it pained him. His chest ached just with thought of Sehun, his smile, the way he covered his smile with his hand when he laughed. He was a flower blooming in a town of weeds and was plucked right out.

And… somehow, he cared for Kyungsoo. After reading the letter, Kyungsoo realized how unworthy he was of Sehun’s affections. Sehun was so open, ready to love, and Kyungsoo… Kyungsoo was starting to wonder why it wasn’t him sent to war…

 

Kyungsoo kept Sehun’s letter safely tucked under his bed. Without Baekhyun gone, he had difficulty sleeping, and keeping the last thing Sehun had given him made Kyungsoo feel like his friend was there with him. Sometimes he would wake up dreaming of Baekhyun soothing him with his hand just resting in his when he would hear Sehun calling for him. He would run after the voice with Baekhyun right at his heels, Kyungsoo’s hand cold.

When he would wake up, he would check for the letter seeking for some sort of comfort. However, tonight he couldn’t sleep. After checking if the letter was still there, he shrugged on a light jacket and pants, he walked outside onto the sparkling dewy grass.

The sky was the lightest shade of blue tinged with a blooming orange in the distance. The camp ground was silent besides the call of the morning birds. Kyungsoo let the fresh air nip at his bare nape. There were a few workers beginning their day and caring for grounds. In the distance, Kyungsoo could spot others who lived on the outskirts on their way to work in the city.

He yawned into the palm of his hand and finds a fallen log to sit on. As much as he didn’t want to think. He had to think. He wanted to have everything sorted by the time Baekhyun returned. His fingers threaded through the dewy grass, letting the moisture collect in the ridges of his fingers.

The warmth that spread through his palm when Baekhyun wove their hands together, the heat in his gaze that made the pits of Kyungsoo’s stomach to simmer as some type of gravity that pulled them together. In that moment, Kyungsoo desired the most complicated but simple of things.

Even now, he wished for Baekhyun’s presence. Everything was easier with him, breathing, thinking, laughing. Why was it so difficult for him to conclude the definition of Baekhyun to him? He’s never felt like this before.

There are times where he would give anything to go back to the moments where he was still just a boy going through school without the thoughts of Baekhyun making his heart pound was far from the horizon. At the same time, he would never trade the secret stares he shared with Baekhyun or take back the conversations they filled within the darkness as their cots were pressed together to keep out the cold.

Baekhyun managed to crack and peel at Kyungsoo’s shell, and he wasn’t sure how to react. He never experienced this with Sehun. When Sehun came, he didn’t have a shell. He was willing and open for a friend. His leaving caused Kyungsoo to divide himself from others. He was the cause of Sehun’s death, and they both were the cause for the reason Kyungsoo could never see his family again or return to that town.

And Baekhyun made him forget all of that. Helped him see that there’s more than just fences bracketing them in. It’s then Kyungsoo’s heart throbbed with longing. Baekhyun healed the error in his construction, straightened the tracks, sent him through loops of fire, and here Kyungsoo stared back at answer of all of his issues.

Standing up quickly with his palms sweaty, he rushed to his tent and froze.

Chanyeol stood by his bed with the cot flipped over, Sehun’s letter trembling in his hand and his eyes wide as he met Kyungsoo’s gaze. Kyungsoo’s stomach twisted and settled against his spine uncomfortably like he was stuck at the top of a rickety Farris wheel as it creaked to its slow descension.

“Chanyeol, I—” _I can explain_ , he wanted to say.

Chanyeol, in all his mass, squeaked and pushed past Kyungsoo flinging Sehun’s letter towards his bed. Kyungsoo watched it float despairingly until it landed on his comforter.

 

Their bodies blended together. They slithered, joints moving in a sharp, unnatural way, but Kyungsoo couldn’t look away. His eyes were glued to the bodies crawling over one another. Their faces disappeared into the darkness between limbs. He was disgusted at the heavy breaths and heat emanating from the pile.

One face with eyes that he memorized from the nights he spent staring into were locked on his with a malicious point to the half-lidded gaze. A sickening smirk cut across his face and Kyungsoo wanted to run, but he was stuck with his hands knotted in his pants over his thighs.

“You can’t join, Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun’s voice was slick with coerce, teasing Kyungsoo as random hands pulled at Baekhyun’s waist. Kyungsoo willed himself to not let his eyes slip lower. Baekhyun’s smirk deepened, knowing that he was lusted after and exuded a confidence Kyungsoo could never have.

Baekhyun stood and bared himself for all of Kyungsoo to see. The bodies surrounding him started to crawl up his body as Baekhyun rolled his head back as a faceless woman laced her arm around his neck and her red lips curled at the base of his neck. He slipped back into the pile mouthing with a cold whisper that seemed to sound like the words were pressed right against Kyungsoo’s ear. “You’re not one of us. You don’t belong with us.”

_You’re not one of us. You don’t belong with us._

Kyungsoo wanted _his_ Baekhyun back. Not the one that seared his skin with his gaze full of disgust, like he was nothing more than a worm. It was the same look he saw in his parents’ eyes, his school friends’, and soon Baekhyun’s…

 

Kyungsoo lived in a daze. He cleaned after the animals in an empty state. He breathed, ate, and moved in a glaze. His eyes were constantly filmed over. A dulling purple painted the soft skin under his eyes.

Every night, sleep seemed to allude him. Worry clawed at his stomach, a permanent line stitched between his eyebrows. He would lie there listening the calls of the owls and croaks of the trees wondering if people were waiting in the dark to put an end to his misery.

In the day time, he avoided everyone. He didn’t want to meet the gazes of others and see the repulsion on their faces after Chanyeol had told them what new fact he learned about their newest addition. Everyone seemed accepting of their unique characteristics, but all those were talents or features, what was wrong with Kyungsoo?

He asked himself constantly, what was wrong with his head? Why didn’t he like girls? Was it some disease? It wouldn’t be too soon until Chanyeol and others come to question him to find the answer he, himself, could not provide. And how long would it be until they used violence to find out? How long would it before Baekhyun hear of it? How would he react? After he had finally opened up to Kyungsoo, would he be repulsed to find he had shared something so personal with an oddity. Someone even more strange than a freak. Abnormal.

The only thing that would keep him from having his chest fully hollow was the thought of Sehun and his letter pressed to his chest. What would Sehun say if he was with him?

 “You shouldn’t worry about those things, Soo.” Sehun had tilted his head while they hid in a tree after school had ended, both unwilling to go home just yet. “Who cares about who your parents want you to be? You should just be yourself. It’s exhausting to pretend. I don’t want to pretend anymore, Soo.”

Kyungsoo turned his head, feeling the rough bark against his scalp. He frowned questioningly, “Why are you pretending?” Sehun just smiled, but it was strained. Kyungsoo didn’t understand. But he pretended he did because he wanted Sehun to be happy. And if keeping him happy was promising to always be themselves, then Kyungsoo would do it. He did do it.

That was a season of summer when they were sixteen. Kyungsoo remembered and always kept the memory at the back of his mind. He had never really thought about it thoroughly and just filed it away with all the rest of the interesting things about Sehun.

He hoped that Sehun got a chance to pretend that he’s somewhere out there in a similar tent being himself maybe smiling next to his comrades by a fire. It was a reach, but Kyungsoo would crumble if he knew Sehun was gone all because he kissed Kyungsoo, because he felt more for Kyungsoo other than friendship.

He didn’t let himself consider what would have happened if Sehun didn’t leave for the war. Would they be together? Would they have run away? As much as he cared for Sehun, his mind constantly drifted back to Baekhyun. And when it landed on Baekhyun, there was no end to the possibilities. So Kyungsoo didn’t let it wander. He ended it with another task.

Keeping his mind occupied, Kyungsoo headed for the main circus tent to help Jongin with the ropes. He may not be cut out for a performer, but he could at least keep them safe and prevent them from getting injured. As he pulled on the tent opening he heard a conversation.

“Baekhyun will be disgusted.”

Kyungsoo stilled, his hand gripping the flap of the tent tightly as Chanyeol’s voice reached his ears in a low undertone.

“I’m disgusted,” a voice Kyungsoo recognized as Jongdae’s said. “But we can’t hide this from him. He would want to know.”

A sigh. “I know. It’s just… he trusted him, and to find out that this is who he really is… He’ll be crushed. They were close.”

Kyungsoo stepped back. His heart was in his throat. His body dropped in temperature feeling as if he had been dropped in a bucket of ice water. He didn’t even realize he was at his tent until he’s tearing everything out of his trunk and stuffing it into his bag. His breath was labored, hitching with little intakes as his heart pounded too loudly.

 _He knows._ He thought. _They all know._

Baekhyun will return in three days, and Chanyeol would tell him who Kyungsoo really was and Baekhyun would have to kick him out of the circus. His mind spiraled with worry. He needed to leave before they can get to him.

His sense of déjà vu hit him as he’s flinging his bag over his shoulder, and it softly hit his back. He ducked away from anyone who may notice him escaping. He needed this to be a clean disappearance. No traces should be left. Baekhyun could easily fall back into a life where he never existed. It would be easier for the both of them to pretend that they have never met.

His legs took him back to the tracks. Silent and still, Kyungsoo ran. He didn’t want to see what would happen if he stayed, he didn’t want to hear the words thrown at him. Kyungsoo didn’t even belong with his real family, what made him believe he could fit in with others that accepted their unique qualities and talents? What he had wrong with him wasn’t a talent, he was abnormal.

Kyungsoo ran. He ran. He ran until it felt like the soles of his feet were bleeding. He ran until joints seared with fire licking up the bones and made his muscles ache if he came close to stopping.

When a train started to whip past him, he pushed himself until his lungs couldn’t inhale anymore air. His fingers looped around one of the door handles and with the last of his energy, he swung his body inside. His foot slipped almost getting swept under the wheels and ripping the skin right off his leg. He cried out at the sharp pain that shot up his body as he pulled himself safely inside.

He spread out on the floor seeing white and purple dots flicked behind his closed eyelids. He let the rattling of the train lull him to sleep.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he ran or how long he had slept. But when he awoke to the sun blinding in the sky. His whereabouts and reason why he was there doesn’t clear until his vision focused. He remembered Chanyeol’s words _Baekhyun will be disgusted…I’m disgusted._

A soft whine escaped his lips as he slowly sat up. His whole body ached from running, but it’s enough that he slumped over his bent legs and noted the stacks of boxes. He assumed he grabbed a ride on a cargo train taking the note of boxes labeled ‘fabrics’. His cut from earlier wasn’t deep and had dried in a bloody scab. He pulled his legs up to his chest and felt careless sobs catch up to him.

It’s been so long since he’s let all his emotions out. He’s kept them bottled up so long that it all came out and once and he couldn’t stop it. He cried for Sehun, for Baekhyun, for himself and the hurt he’s gained on his journey. He didn’t stop until his mouth is parched and his whole body is crumpled on the floor in a motionless lump.

A newfound loneliness filled him. It buried deep in his chest and the crevice split open and began to slowly swallow him whole. Not even the need for food could numb the ache. Instead he laid on the floor in a haze too weak to move or search for food.

He was back to being homeless, or maybe he never had a home to start out with. Baekhyun was just nice enough to let him rent the space beside him in payment of manual labor and companionship. He was a fool. A fool that realized he cared too strongly a boy who would never return the sentiment. He was a fool for believing that he could be accepted for who he was and not be treated indifferently. 

Yet as much as the thought to end his suffering then and there…he couldn’t. In fact, he couldn’t move at all. He wasn’t sure how much time has passed since he has last eaten or drank water, but maybe he doesn’t have to end his life willingly. Maybe dehydration will end his misery before he could stop and beg for a second chance at life.

With those last thoughts, he got lost in memories until they all faded to black…

 

Blearily, he woke with warmth surrounding him. His throat burned and his whole body ached, but he was alive. He turned his head to find that he was no longer on a train but lying next to a fire. He had a wool blanket tucked around his body and a glass of water right by his head.

He reached for it, hand trembling as he raised it to his chapped lips and gulped it down too quickly, coughing half the contents. His throat stung in response, but the water helped clear his head, so he drank a few more sips, much slower, this time.

“Oh, you’re up. I was thinking I was going to have to call the coroner within the next hours if you didn’t move.” A male in his thirties came into view with an accent that ran syllables and dropped consonants thickly. He had soft brown hair that was pushed to the side and kind, lazy eyes that sharpened with concern noting that Kyungsoo hadn’t moved from his spot.

The man moved around the worn sofa and bent down beside the lying form. He wore a white button up with brown suspenders hooked to his trousers that made his muscular figure stand out behind the straps. He rested the back of his hand against Kyungsoo’s forehead and tutted. “I’m Yixing. I was afraid my shipment of silks wouldn’t come in time, only to find it was delayed by a nearly dead stowaway.” Yixing smiled gently with a dimple chiseling into his cheek.

Kyungsoo was a little startled by how handsome the stranger was and how gentle his touches were as he helped Kyungsoo sit up and eat some soup. Feeling some solidity in his stomach, Kyungsoo asked where he was.

“Right outside Atlanta. We are in my apartment above my shop. I am a tailor. If you need a place, you are more than welcome, but I do expect you to help me around the shop.” Yixing offered watching Kyungsoo carefully.

“I do, thank you.” His voice was scratchy and weak. He took another sip.

Yixing bit his cheek for a second before taking his guest’s bowl, “I don’t know your story, but when you want to talk about it, I am willing to listen. I’ve experienced a lot from moving and living in Atlanta. I spent a year in New York and let me say one week in New York changes a man.” He chuckled softly, but the haunted lines around his eyes told Kyungsoo his experience was nothing similar to humorous.

But Kyungsoo thought Yixing was quite generous for taking him in. He was just as quiet as Kyungsoo was, letting their few words be sparse and purposeful. Kyungsoo was grateful, but he noted that in the back of his mind he missed Chanyeol and Jongdae’s sparring and Baekhyun’s habit for betting on a winner with a whisper in his ear. As soon as thoughts about the circus infiltrated his mind, he ignored them.

Yixing lived in small apartment above his shop along a popular street where socialites passed and asked for Yixing’s magic touch. Kyungsoo had gathered that while the man was in New York, he studied under a famous seamstress before making his mysterious getaway to the South.

Kyungsoo was given a small room that Kyungsoo was sure it used to be Yixing’s office. Sometimes the owner would come in and take a few files or receipts stuffed on a shelf before leaving Kyungsoo to continue reading a book. It was easy adjusting to life with Yixing. Kyungsoo tried to stay out of his way, and Yixing always offered to go downtown together or asked for Kyungsoo’s opinion on some of the outfits he was working on.

After Kyungsoo went back to full health, Yixing told him how to run the register. When Yixing discovered that Kyungsoo could sew, he immediately started teaching Kyungsoo what he knew and would allow him access to his sewing machine after hours for Kyungsoo to practice. Yixing would even let Kyungsoo join when he went to select certain fabrics for a special order just to test Kyungsoo’s knowledge on customer service and ability to choose what worked best for the occasion.

“If she’s going for a slimming cut, it’s best not to use a layer of tulle. It will be scratchy and could make her feel more uncomfortable besides adding volume to the dress.” Yixing hummed with Kyungsoo’s suggestion and removed the tulle from the lining.

“Can you do the beading? You’re much better at that than I am. I don’t know how your attention to detail is so exact, but Ms. Keeting promised that there is no limit to her budget, so make it extravagant. She’s been my customer for years and always wants to look the best for any event, even if she isn’t the focus.”

Kyungsoo started to discuss Yixing’s frequent customers when they started to make conversation with the new worker. Yixing was only very chatty if it came to his practice or his customers. He had once lived under the spotlight of it all in New York with drama and talk of what occurred in the lives of the high class.

“It was toxic,” Yixing told him. “You get caught up in the greed and glamour of it all. I grew up with nothing and came to America with dreams, and after I reached them, I lost sight of my vision. When I realized this, I left. Moved to this side of Atlanta and needed a moment to humble myself. I kept in contact with everyone of course. They were all very loyal customers. Once you received their favor, it would take betrayal to lose it. I never wanted that to happen.”

“I grew up in the middle class,” Kyungsoo spoke softly. Yixing turned to look at him with an expectant gaze. His silence prompted Kyungsoo to continue, “We were never rich, just barely better off than the poor. It was such a small town, so everyone was close. Then a new butcher moved in, and he left within a few months because everyone was loyal Mr. Lim, he’s been in business since I was a kid.

“It’s good you kept in contact with your customers. As nice as starting fresh, it’s hard.” Kyungsoo ran the sleek, black silk through his fingers. If Yixing noticed the shake in his hands, he didn’t mention.

Instead, he smiled in a way that always manages to relax Kyungsoo and remind him that he’s in a safe environment, “I did it when I moved to New York, and again when I moved to Atlanta. I needed it, but now I like where I am at. I regret not telling the few friends I had that I was leaving, but otherwise I am happy. No matter how many times you must restart, Kyungsoo, never forget the people who matter when you leave.”

His words make a mold around Kyungsoo’s brain, always appearing when he is left alone to his thoughts. Does he regret leaving the circus? Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to face his answer.

 

Weeks passed, maybe months as Kyungsoo slowly began to feel safer with Yixing after that. The tailor seemed to have a sense of the difficulties in Kyungsoo’s past, probably based on his own, and knew not to pry when Kyungsoo couldn’t find it in him to finish his sentence.

Living together, working together, it worked. Kyungsoo was comfortable around Yixing. They shared chores, traded nights to close up the shop, but there was always something missing. The more Kyungsoo searched for the answer, the more of a yearning he had for bright mischievous brown eyes, a smile that lit the entire room, and a voice that never took a breath.

He missed Baekhyun. He didn’t think he could grow attached to someone so easily, but he did and now he had to pay for the consequences for his actions. And that was to let Baekhyun go. It was useless to even dare think he could forget the male, but he could try by only allowing him to appear in his dreams.

There was an irrational part of him that liked to pretend what would happen if he stayed and Baekhyun would accept him. That he would be okay with Kyungsoo harboring feelings for him.

“Have you ever been in love?” Kyungsoo asked one night while Yixing was looking over the paper and Kyungsoo stood in front of the stove.

It was a sudden question coming out of nowhere after discussing how it’s been three years since the war began. Five months since the United States joined. Four months and two weeks since Kyungsoo kissed Sehun. So much has changed with little time passing.

He had been with Yixing for over two months, yet it felt like yesterday Baekhyun was holding his waist as he approached one of the tigers.

Yixing waited a few minutes before answering. “Yes, I have. I still am.”

Kyungsoo turned off the stove, eyes widening when he turns to Yixing. The tailor never gave the appearance that he was in a relationship with someone. “Who is she?”

Yixing raised an eyebrow with a curl to his lip, dimple peaking over the smooth skin. “ _He_ was my dream. When I first moved to New York, he worked in the same building as me. We met through a mutual and kept in contact since then.”

Kyungsoo choked, “H-he?” He forced his hands to remain steady as he placed dishes on the table.

Yixing chuckled lightly, eyes downcast, “New York is a strange place. A different world. I was shocked too. I never spared much consideration to women, let alone men, but I cared for him.” His tone was filled with melancholy, but he kept a wistful smile on his face.

Kyungsoo bit his lip as his hands fumbled with the edges of his sleeve, “W-was h-he the reason why you left?”

Yixing sighed, an event that had never occurred. Kyungsoo finally noticed the purple curves under his eyes and the way his hands tightened over the table. This whole time Yixing had been just as broken as Kyungsoo. They both dug their issues in a grave, a place they only visited alone in the dark or in their dreams. How many more people would Kyungsoo encounter that were broken?

“He was married.”

“What?” Kyungsoo snapped his head up to watch a bitter laughter dim the color of Yixing’s face. He was no longer the generous and comforting tailor, but a somber, hardened shell that carried the ghosts of his past on his shoulder.

“I understand if this changes your opinion of me. You are, of course still welcome to stay, but if you want to leave because you feel uncomfortable around me now, I understand.” He didn’t lift eyes to look at Kyungsoo. He stayed focused on his hands, running his thumbs over the callouses from sewing for years.

“I—that doesn’t change anything.” Kyungsoo whispered shakily. Yixing, although he never comforted Kyungsoo verbally, his presence was always like a calming cup of tea. Now, it was Kyungsoo’s turn to comfort the tailor. He never had to do something like this.

When Sehun was down, Kyungsoo would just distract him with an activity or talk until he would smile. He was easy like that. Those methods won’t work on Yixing. Yixing was far from a teenage boy who had few concerns about the harsh realities of life.

Carefully, he put a hand on his shoulder then awkwardly circled to the middle of his back in a soothing pattern. Yixing did relax until Kyungsoo spoke again, “You didn’t know.” From the shudder that took over Yixing’s body, he softly said to himself under his breath, “You did.”

“At first, I didn’t. He was welcoming, showed me around the city, took me to places I would have never discovered on my own. Each location was a new side to him. And when I found out he was married, I was already blinded with love. But our relationship was close to being found out by his co-workers and his family. I couldn’t let him give it up. I knew what it was like having to leave everything behind. His family didn’t deserve that. So I left.”

“Does he know where you are now?”

Yixing nodded, “He does. I told him not to contact me unless it was an emergency. I haven’t received anything in the post from him, so I assume he is doing okay.” He smiled again, tightly. Kyungsoo could see the strings that were never there before, sown into the corners and tugging.

“I’ve never told anyone this. It feels good to let it out. Thank you for listening and being understanding. I know what I did was wrong, but I could never apologize for loving him.”

“What you did was right,” Kyungsoo stepped away letting his hand drop and fidget against his side. He went back to their dinner that was cooling on the stove.

“I hope you left for the right reasons, Kyungsoo.” Yixing said, leaving another file in Kyungsoo’s brain that he’ll have to sort through.

 

“This dress is perfect. You have a real eye for style, Kyungsoo. Yixing, you should watch out. Your apprentice could steal your business right out from under you.” Mrs. Pence, a regular, slightly ditzy customer, winked at Yixing who bows graciously.

“I wish I could say I taught him everything I know, but I hardly had to even do that.” Yixing clapped the smaller male on the back.

“Is he a cousin of yours? I wasn’t aware you had an extra hand around the shop until Mrs. Rodney showed off the lovely burgundy ensemble for her and said that a handsome young man she’s never seen before did it.”

“He is a friend of mine that moved to the city recently.” Yixing explained while Kyungsoo rang up her order.

Mrs. Pence and her mess of blonde curls bounced as she turned to look at Kyungsoo. “Where are you from?”

“I lived up north a few hours outside Chicago, ma’am.” Kyungsoo responded handing back her change and her dress.

“Oh! That’s quite a trip. I have a brother that lives up there, but he recently moved to Brooklyn. Yixing, did you experience any of Brooklyn while in New York?”

Yixing shook his head with that same polite smile that softened his eyes and flashed his deep dimple. He was very attractive, Kyungsoo was beginning to acknowledge the fact on the regular. Not that he wasn’t aware of it before, but the thought had been appearing recently. Sometimes it stunned him before he is reminded of the other’s features.

“I spent most of my days in Manhattan or around Long Island. I had a friend that lived in the area that I visited often.”

Knowing Yixing’s history, Kyungsoo wondered how he didn’t notice how often Yixing mentioned his past in New York with a vacant expression before as if he was living the memories in his mind. Every day was a new vague page added to Yixing’s story. Soon, Kyungsoo should share his own.

Yixing had said that Kyungsoo helped him just by listening, maybe allowing Yixing to listen will help. He could sort out his feelings for Baekhyun. Maybe it could help him forget the tiger tamer.

“Oh, before I leave, I wanted to let you know, have you heard of Kim Brother’s Circus? There’s posters all over the city. Apparently, the circus will arrive in a few days. I already am planning on taking my daughters to it. The youngest is dying to see the elephants. You should go to a show Yixing, Kyungsoo. If I tell you what day, you are welcome to go with my family and me. My kids adore you.”

“Send me a post, and I will be there.” Yixing agreed politely as Mrs. Pence left with a wave. The tailor turned to Kyungsoo to see he was breathing heavily with torrent of emotions fleeting in his eyes.

Kyungsoo felt Yixing’s warm hand press against his chest as he urged him to slow his breathing. His lungs wouldn’t expand as rocks tumbled down him throat and weighed him down, forming knots in his stomach. He was going to be sick.

He raced to the bathroom with Yixing following with concern. He thankfully didn’t watch Kyungsoo spill his guts out, but he knew from the sounds and how ashen his face was. He couldn’t hide it, not anymore.

Yixing had his arms crossed, stance tall and demanding an explanation, but his eyes shown with concern. “Are you sick?” He asked, but even as he checked his temperature with his hand as he did when Kyungsoo woke in his house, he knew it was something else. Yixing never pried. He allowed Kyungsoo his distance. Even now, he waited for Kyungsoo to answer and tell him the truth without verbally asking.

Yixing cared, it took Kyungsoo by surprise. Of course, Yixing cared, but he worried for Kyungsoo enough not to corner him. He allowed Kyungsoo to approach carefully with open and unjudgmental arms. Yixing may have loved a man, but Kyungsoo was scared, so scared that if he opened up, that those arms he trusted would entrap him. Choke him. Beat him.

He had trusted his friends. He had trusted his parents. He had trusted Chanyeol. He had trusted Baekhyun the most. And now he trusted Yixing. He felt a burst of iron on his palette. He bit his lip too hard.

Yixing shook his head and wetted a cloth to press to his lips. He cradled the back of Kyungsoo’s head, “It’s alright, Kyungsoo.” Those words soothed Kyungsoo, at least enough to try. He wanted to try for Yixing and for Baekhyun, who will never receive an explanation.

“I…I had a best friend. We were close, but he got drafted. Right before he left, h-he k-kissed me.” He allowed a drop of silence for Yixing to back away, to run, to say he wasn’t right, but it didn’t come. Yixing stared with soft understanding and sadness in his eyes. Taking a deep, shuttering breath, Kyungsoo inhaled. Exhaled.

“They saw. He was p-put on the front lines because he kissed m-me. I don’t know if h-he made i-it, but I can o-only assume…” He choked off. Kyungsoo didn’t know he was sobbing until he felt hot tears down his face and a warm hand is rubbing Kyungsoo’s back.

“You don’t have to tell me.” Yixing reassured him.

Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut, “I n-need too. I can’t l-let it eat at me anymore.” Inhaled. Exhaled. He skipped the parts of being ran out of his own town, the only place he could call home. “I met someone from the circus. He took me in, and I got scared. What if he found out that I had strange feelings for him? What if his friends found out? I couldn’t ruin his life lik-like I ruined Sehun’s. S-so I ran a-way. Here.”

Kyungsoo got caught up with the overwhelming feeling in his chest. The pain he didn’t share that was bottled up swelled in his eyes and rolled down his cheeks. Yixing held him through it all and stayed with him while he cried, only leaving to close the shop and bring water.

At that moment, Kyungsoo felt small. He was tired, his chest ached, but Yixing was there. He didn’t understand all the pain, but he knew suffering. He knew Kyungsoo just needed a support. A friend who could give him a hand when he fell and Kyungsoo had been falling for months, Baekhyun was just a rope that Kyungsoo let go of…

 

It was better. Life was better, Kyungsoo convinced himself. Yixing stayed by him, comforted him better now that he knew somethings, but Kyungsoo didn’t want him tiptoeing around the topic of the circus, even if Kyungsoo tensed every time it was mentioned which was rare.

“Kyungsoo, I need to pick up some threads. I will back in a few hours. Watch the shop for me alright.” Yixing called from the shop’s entrance.

Kyungsoo shuffled into the store taking the dress he was currently working on and sat at the counter while sewing jewels onto the hem. It’s a project he’s been working on for days after a woman with more gold rings on her hand than fingers drove up in a forest green Stephans.

Kyungsoo waved to Yixing as the bell hooked on the door rang indicating his departure. He hummed a waltz under his breath while focusing on his work. When he had to design different patterns, it numbed his mind. He had no room to think about anything except weaving stitched through the soft fabric in a rippling motion.

Time passed by fast when he was focused. He’s not sure how long it’s been since Yixing left, but he blinked in a daze staring at how far he had come when the bell rang. “You’re back? Did you get the threads? I was thinking of cooking pasta tonight, how does that sound?”

There was a silence that followed his words. Tying a knot, Kyungsoo raised his head to jump off his seat in surprise. Jongin stood there a few feet away, gaping at him with sweat beading down his forehead and his hands holding a ragged bookbag.

“Kyungsoo?” He asked with a line forming between his eyebrows. The male wore a wife beater with a line of sweat in the middle that dips down his chest. His defined arms were bare and sheen. With the afternoon sun bleeding through the windows, he glowed with the memory of summer following him with the autumn breeze.

“Kyungsoo, that’s you, right? What’re you doing here?” Jongin pressed breaking Kyungsoo out of his thoughts.

Then, the bell rang again. “Kyungsoo, I picked up some strawberries from Thomas, the old man at the corn- oh, we have a customer. Hello, I’m Yixing, the owner of this humble shop. What can I help you with?” Yixing switched his gaze from Kyungsoo to Jongin, back and forth suddenly absorbing the odd atmosphere.

Jongin smiled warmly at Yixing then frowned when Kyungsoo quickly moved to take the bags out of Yixing’s hands and put the items away. “Uh, yes,” Jongin scratched the back of his neck, “I need this vest redone. I heard you were the best in the city, so I came here as fast as I could.” He unzipped his bag and took out the recognizable clothing.

Yixing looked over where the strings were frayed and the missing beads. “I see where it’s gone a little worn.” He met Jongin’s eyes, “When do you need it by?”

Jongin, sheepish and with red painting his cheeks, admitted “In two days, the owner needs it for his performance. I thought I could clean it up myself, but I, uh…”

The tailor perked up, “Oh, performance? For what?”

Jongin threw a wary glance in Kyungsoo’s direction before giving a tight smile to Yixing, “The circus, sir. We are all performers.”

“Oh,” Yixing coughed, pressing his lips together, “Well, don’t worry. Kyungsoo is the fastest with a needle in the south. He can help you have it done in time.” He pulled Kyungsoo over by the hook over his arm, trapping him by his side.

Jongin frowned slightly at the action, “Kyungsoo, can I—”

“Well, then, you best be off. Make sure to pick it up in two days!” Yixing ushered a flustered Jongin out of the shop and waved him goodbye enthusiastically. When the door shut, Yixing swung around and waited for Kyungsoo to move, but the male was staring off at where Jongin’s figure had just stood.

“You have to speak to me,” Yixing finally broke the silence with his arms crossed. “Was that him?”

Kyungsoo shook his head, “No, but this is his.” He held up the vest with trembling hands.

“Can you do it?” Yixing stretched out his arms to take it, but Kyungsoo pulled it close to his chest protectively and with determination in his eyes.

“I want to.” Then quieter to himself as he turned away clutching Baekhyun’s vest, “I want to.”

Kyungsoo spent every waking moment fixing Baekhyun’s vest. It didn’t need that much work, but he wanted it perfect him because Baekhyun only deserved the best. He fixed the sequins, added more beads knowing that when the spotlight hit him, all the eyes would be dead focused on him. He would shine while the roars from the crowd and from the tigers spurred his glittering eyes, cracking with the whip, and widening grin.

The thoughts kept him up at night. When he couldn’t fall asleep, he rose from his bed and let the needle slide through his fingertips. Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun, the name chanted through each stroke, each pull. His name made him see red as the needle pricked his skin forming a vibrant burgundy dot on his thumb.

He dabbed it away then going straight back to his work. Baekhyun. How much time has he wasted pushing thoughts of him to the back of his mind? It was a fight every day to occupy his thoughts with tasks. And now he couldn’t stop. Kyungsoo was afraid he would go crazy if he didn’t find a solution to stop it.

 

When the vest was picked up, Kyungsoo was heavily asleep on his bed although he originally fell asleep on his desk but Yixing moved him to his bed.

Yixing laughed behind his hand when Jongin ran inside the door, bending over and panting exhaustedly, the door swinging wildly behind him.  “Is it okay for you to run so much before performing?” Yixing asked with already growing fondness for the flustered young male.

Jongin rubbed the back of his neck, his cheeks already splotched red from exertion. “I am the only one who knows where this place is, so I volunteered. Don’t worry, my performance won’t be until later in the show. I am one of the best acts, you know.” Jongin boasted proudly placing his hands on his slim hips.

Yixing’s dimple flashed, “And what would that be?”

“A trapeze artist, sir. I fly in the air between swinging bars.”

Yixing hummed, “Sounds dangerous.”

Jongin grinned boyishly, “It is, but I love it. It’s a rush, the feeling of flying, and the crowd loves it. You should come sometime soon if you have time, sir. We will be in town for a few weeks. And Kyungsoo—” His voice trailed off in a question, suddenly looking around for the male. “He should come. There are some people who would really like to see him.”

“Do they know you saw him?”

“No, I didn’t tell anyone. It would distract B—them.”

“Good.” Yixing shook his head with a small frown turning the corners of his lips down but it’s gone quickly with a forced spice. “Kyungsoo is… I will not force him to go, but I think he wishes to go and see everyone again. He may not say it or show it, but I know he dearly misses everyone.”

“We miss him. Why don’t I give a free pass! On me! I can give you an inside tour of all the inner workings when you come.” Jongin said eagerly.

“I would love too, however a close customer of mine has invited me to attend with her and her family.”

Jongin shrugged with glee, “Even better! Bring them along. Just tell the ticket booth that I, Jongin, sent you and I’ll handle it, just…please get Kyungsoo to come. At least once before we leave.”

Yixing nodded in understanding, “I will do my best, but I can’t make promises.” He grabbed the vest from where it hung on the set of racks in the back. “Here’s the vest, as good as new.”

Jongin sighed, relieved, “Thank you so much.”

Yixing waved him off. “It was all Kyungsoo. He spent the past two days working on it relentlessly. He’s finally catching up the sleep he lost right now.”

The younger’s mouth opened, looking at the vest in contemplation. “How much do I owe,” he finally asked.

Yixing gave him a discount since it was for a friend of Kyungsoo’s and saw Jongin off. “I will see you soon, Jongin.”

Jongin paused at the door as if waiting to see if Kyungsoo will appear, but the male didn’t show up. He saluted to Yixing before he took off, hopping onto a passing carriage and stealing a ride with a wide smile.

When Kyungsoo did wake up, Yixing was writing a letter to Joonmyun at his desk. “You’re up?”

Kyungsoo blearily rubbed at his eye, scraping off the remnants of sleep the caked at the corners of his eyes. “Has Jongin come and picked up the vest?”

“You missed him by an hour. The letter from Mrs. Pence inviting to come to view the circus arrived. She is planning to attend Thursday. If it is alright, I will just go ahead and close the shop early that day. I wish to meet her before sundown.”

“I…” Kyungsoo looked down at his hands, “Does the invitation have an extension?”

Yixing tried not to show how pleased he was by the statement, “I’m sure there is room for one more.”

 

Kyungsoo was ill prepared to walk the similar grounds of the circus that was once so familiar to him. The same smells wafted through the air of roasted peanuts, the animals in the distance, and smoke from parents far too stressed from losing their children in the crowd.

Kyungsoo clutched to Mrs. Pence’s eldest daughter’s hand as they weaved through the clusters of people. There was a yellow glow over the circus from the warm burning flames lighting the path and the Eastern sun settling in the west. If his hand was sweaty, the girl, Marie, didn’t say a thing.

Sometimes he would feel Yixing’s concerned gaze, but he kept his head low in case he would be recognized by the workers. He almost expected to be able to enjoy the show without being noticed, but just as they were about to find seat inside the tent, a cool hand curled around his shoulder.

“Kyungsoo? Is that really you?” A voice dripped with surprise. Soojung gaped at Kyungsoo as he turned around to shakily smile at her. He failed, and probably grimaces, but Soojung split into a grin and gripped him into a tight hug. “What are you doing so far south? We were all so worried about you! Does Baekhyun know you’re here? God, if he knew—”

Kyungsoo stopped her gently pushing her a step back, “He doesn’t—know that is. I don’t want him to.” He bit the inside of his cheek suddenly regretting his decision to come. Does Soojung know about him? How many people found out after he left?

Soojung’s eyebrows furrowed and her lips pursed, “Why? He would—” Suddenly the call for all the performers rang out and Soojung startled at the sound. She seemed unsure to stay or to go, but finally she decided, tossing her hair back and twisting it in a bun, “Please stay after the show. Don’t run away.”

She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek before her lithe body was swallowed by the mass of people filing into the tent. Kyungsoo squeezed his way in and found Yixing waving with an empty seat between Mrs. Pence’s daughters.

Kyungsoo had the show memorized on the back of his hand. He knew when the gasps from the crowd were going to spill out of their lips when Jongin and Seungwan soar through the air with perfection, the threat of falling just one hand slip away or when the man who breathes fire can also swallow a sword. Kyungsoo found his chest easing with the familiarity of the circus that he grew accustomed to.

It’s almost as if he never left. No worry or fear had found such a permanent place in his heart after being dormant by their first acceptance of his presence in their lives. He could get lost as he did before in the fascinating and abnormal twists and curves to Jongdae and Soojung’s bodies and full. Although, the greatest obstacle he had yet to face.

Baekhyun strode out with the spotlight following his every moment. All eyes were on him, but Kyungsoo forgot about the crowd when Baekhyun’s lidded eyes lifted. He was thinner, that much Kyungsoo could tell. He worried if Baekhyun was eating or if he had been sick. Even the vest that Kyungsoo knew was to Baekhyun’s exact measurements before he left was slightly loose on his frame. It wasn’t as nearly as snug before, but it still had the desired effect on him as Kyungsoo hoped it would. Baekhyun shined, sparkling and reflecting the light Baekhyun had in his eyes that captivated onlookers. Even as tigers were waiting to leap through darkness, the most dangerous thing was the curl of Baekhyun’s lips.

But the tamer hesitated. His fingers were delicately holding the whip that coiled at his feet. His other hand was pulled to his stomach, fingers thumbing over the buttons that lined the middle. The eyes that were normally filled with mischief were deep and lost as he scanned the audience.

Kyungsoo’s heart almost stopped in his chest when he watched the gaze pass over him. One turn caused the fall of his chin only to have the odd confusion of emotions be replaced in a second with a smirk that held the audience at the edge of their seat.

The appropriate response escaped the mouth from the people surrounding him as a blur of orange and black went racing around the tamer’s body. From his usual fluidity, Kyungsoo noticed how tense Baekhyun was when he cracked the whip, but his face showed no fear.

Baekhyun twirled, sidestepping as one tiger leaped and landed right where he was, He continued this pattern until all tigers formed a ring around him. Then the tigers sat up on their hind legs, continuing their tricks that left the viewers in silence. When his routine finished, the tigers one by one went back in their cage. Baekhyun faced the crowd once more and bowed. His eyes flitted over the audience, a frown tugging at his handsome features.

The lights faded and Kyungsoo was left in darkness, wondering, aching. He felt so alone, and the desire to stand up and just call after Baekhyun overwhelmed him. He needed the safety and warmth Baekhyun brought him, but he was so far away. Even though there had been hundreds of miles separating them, Kyungsoo had never felt so distant from him.

A hand slid over his own, and Yixing’s gentle smile gave him strength when he smiled. His eyes spoke clearly with no lips to mouth the words, ‘ _You can do this. I am here for you.’_ Kyungsoo squeezed his hand, a word of thanks passed between them.

After the show, Yixing lingered around suspiciously while Mrs. Pence’s daughters ran around their legs pretending to be certain parts of the acts. Then, when Kyungsoo spotted Jongin trying to reach them with determination, Kyungsoo had a queasy feeling.

“Good evening. I am Jongin, a trapeze artist, and I will be giving you a behind the scenes look to the inner workings of Kim Brother’s Circus.” He greeted with a little flourish of his hand as he pressed his lips to each of the Pences’ hands. The two girls squealed with delight trailing after Jongin and demanding which place they should go first.

Yixing and Mrs. Pence automatically followed as well. Kyungsoo sighed to himself when Jongin threw him an encouraging smile over his shoulder and trudged after. Jongin first showed his area of expertise with the trapeze, then the camp grounds before taking them to the animals.

Although the girls were scared to approach the tigers, their ears pricked when Kyungsoo couldn’t help the urge and call for them by clicking his tongue. He could feel Jongin’s amused smile aimed at him as he approached the cages.

Kyungsoo curled his fingers around the cold bars and beckoned Beom to come to him. The tiger sniffed and rested in arm’s reach. Kyungsoo scratched behind his ear before Beom rolled onto his stomach like always asking for a belly rub. Kyungsoo chuckled when the other tigers got jealous and impatiently paced in their cages for their turn.

A loud clang made Kyungsoo jump and spin around. At some point, Jongin had left with the group leaving Kyungsoo alone with the tigers. However, he wasn’t alone at all. Baekhyun stood before him no longer sporting his vest, but in a loose cotton shirt that was tucked into brown slacks that were pulled high on his waist. A bucket full of raw meat on the ground was the cause of the noise, and Kyungsoo dragged his eyes from it back to Baekhyun who is staring at him with undecipherable gaze.

“Beom is getting hungry,” Kyungsoo spoke, his voice cracking embarrassingly. He scratched his neck absentmindedly as Baekhyun spurred back into action and gathering the meat in his gloved hands and walking over to feed each tiger. “I—”

“The vest is nice.” Baekhyun suddenly mentioned not looking at him.

Kyungsoo shivered as a cold wind passed, “How did you know?”

Baekhyun stopped passing out food to look at him with a pointed gaze that was too serious, “I know your style. It was too grand.”

Kyungsoo turned his body to him even though Baekhyun had gone back to refusing to look at him. “You deserve it.”

Baekhyun took a step away, “Jongin said the tailor stayed up for two days working on it. I couldn’t figure out why he would do such a thing.” He looked through his fringe waiting for an answer.

Kyungsoo was pinned by his stare, caged in just like one of his tigers. He licked his lips that were dry, cracking from the breeze, “Maybe he speaks better through the things his hands make than words.”

Baekhyun’s breath hitched. Kyungsoo could tell by the way the skin tightened around his slim neck going taut. Kyungsoo wanted to smooth it out. “And what is he trying to say?”

It was easier to breath after he whispered, “An apology.”

 

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what his heart wanted to do when Baekhyun unexpectedly shows up at Yixing’s shoppe asking for a walk. He did know what his body did. It froze with surprise, his hands shaking in fear, heart palpitating in anticipation, and unexplainable bolt of electricity running down his spine.

Yixing forced him out the door, tired of Kyungsoo’s sulking after Baekhyun had not responded to him that night when they went to the circus. Baekhyun held the door open, waited until they were a good distance from any prying listeners that can be often found in the outside of the city that was filled nosy citizens before talking.

“I’m sorry I walked out on you.” Baekhyun started.

“Please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for…I, on the other hand—” Kyungsoo took a shuddering breath. Where should he begin? How much has Chanyeol told him? He must be disgusted to even walk with him in public’s careful eye.

“You don’t have to tell me, you know.” Kyungsoo’s eyes widen only to see sincerity reflected back at him. “You’ve always been more secretive than most, and I respect that. Just know, if I have done anything to cause you to feel unwelcomed at the circus—”

“You didn’t!” Kyungsoo blurted, frightening himself at the volume of his own voice. They both stared at each other for a pause before breaking into short rounds of laughter, the awkward patterns and stumblings around each other finally catching up to them. There was an uncertainty about how they maneuvered around each other. A longing in Kyungsoo’s chest sharpened briefly, at least Baekhyun was by his side. 

Baekhyun’s shoulder eased a little, unwinding the tension in his stiffened muscles. “Chanyeol was wary to tell me. I arrived and waited for hours to see when you would appear. Finally, I had asked him where you had gone only to tell me that they searched for you, but you had gone. I’m glad to see you have been healthy the whole time.”

“I wasn’t at first. Yixing found me and brought me here to be his apprentice.”

Baekhyun snorted, “You don’t seem like much of an apprentice now. Jongin, who has helped us with the sewing for years, could have never designed something so fine.”

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo grabbed the male’s elbow until they were facing each other. “D-did Chanyeol tell you anything else?”

Baekhyun shook his head, honesty clear in the wrinkle between his eyebrows, “No, just that you had disappeared without a word.”

Kyungsoo breathed harshly through his nose as all his fears were released temporarily. “Not a single thing. And no one else…?”

“They were just as baffled as I was. Kyungsoo, why are you laughing? And crying? What’s wrong?” Baekhyun wrapped an arm around his back, pulling him close as he examines his face. As much as Kyungsoo would blush under his sharp attention, he was too busy overwhelmed.

Months of worry, fear, and nightmares that haunted Kyungsoo’s mind poured out. He spent days where he couldn’t think of anything else; just the scenarios of Baekhyun and the other’s reactions to him liking men. How they would laugh, taunt, jester, then transition from harsh words to violent actions. But now… Chanyeol hadn’t told a soul. Perhaps he had misheard the conversation he was something else, but he was so sure…

“I’m so s-sorry,” Kyungsoo hiccupped. “I got s-scared, and I…”

Baekhyun cupped his face and wiped the tears that were running down Kyungsoo’s face. “Why are you scared? You have nothing to be afraid of.”

“You don’t understand.” Kyungsoo said in a hushed tone through shaky inhales.

“Then let me,” Baekhyun’s voice sounded desperate, unstable as he pleaded. “You know me, Kyungsoo. You know my story. I will wait until you’re ready, but don’t be scared. Not of me. I…” Baekhyun ran a rushed hand through his hair, “I can’t have you disappear again. I can’t take it.”

Kyungsoo couldn’t figure out through his muddled mind what Baekhyun’s words meant. Or why he was filled with just as much emotion as Kyungsoo.

“Will you…will you come back to the circus?” Baekhyun asked quietly, meekly. A tone that didn’t suit him at all. Baekhyun was someone filled with light, his voice ringing through the air like sunrays dancing on your skin.

Kyungsoo hadn’t thought of it. All his thoughts were mostly consumed with avoiding that summer of his life completely, and he had thought he could do it. Seeing Baekhyun now, proved that impossible and he would never want too if he was to be honest. “I am not sure. I haven’t considered it.” His fingers played with a loose string of his trousers. He would have to fix that later.

Baekhyun seemed disappointed by his down cast eyes, but then he perked back up. “Promise you’ll come again. To the show. If you aren’t sure, then it is my job to convince you to come back. If you are free, we have a show for the rest of this weekend. Come to one of them.”

Kyungsoo found himself nodding unable to resist the light in Baekhyun’s eyes. It was missing from the other night’s performance, and somehow it was back and brighter than before. Or maybe Kyungsoo had gone too long staring at stars too far away that he had forgotten what it was like to be blinded by having a star so close to him.

Yixing had his lips pressed together as soon as Kyungsoo walked through the door. His hand gripped the counter with his rolled-up sleeves exposing the definition to his arms. “You can’t keep running away from your problems, Kyungsoo. I know. I’ve tried. But they follow you, whether it be literal or ghosts that haunt you. Don’t make the same mistake as I did.”

 

His friendship with Baekhyun seemed to fall back to the same pace as before, only now Kyungsoo was too attuned to his own feeling. It was struck with the desire to have Baekhyun near, spare a touch just for his heart to calm. He dreamed about it until he got sick of waking up in a sweat with the curve of Baekhyun’s smile printed behind his eyelids.

He broke then and got him a cab the next afternoon to see his performance at the circus. He sent a post before coming, telling Baekhyun to be waiting for him afterwards.

Before the tamer started his routine, he scanned the audience as he had before. Kyungsoo was sure he couldn’t be spotted, but then Baekhyun seemed to pierce him with his gaze when he bowed as the first tiger sprung from the darkness and the animal’s claws just barely missed the covered flesh of Baekhyun’s back. It shocked Kyungsoo, but he grinned seeing Baekhyun in his element as he displayed new tricks with the large animals.

He was entranced, as always. Baekhyun drew in that response where people wanted to be him or wanted to know him. Kyungsoo felt lucky enough to have Baekhyun’s laugh memorized and knew random facts about him like how many freckles lined his back.

All this time, Kyungsoo had assumed something was wrong with him for feeling this way. Maybe he really was sick. But if it meant having romantic feelings for someone as Baekhyun, he would choose the hurt and humiliation any day because Baekhyun deserved to be loved.

 

Kyungsoo hadn’t seen Chanyeol besides when he had his performance. He wasn’t purposely avoiding him, but he did steer clear from where the horses were kept. Chanyeol might not have told anybody about his discovery of Kyungsoo, but he had to have known. Sehun’s letter was too suggestive to not be entirely suspicious of the real meaning behind it.

While waiting for Baekhyun where the crew had set up camp, the tall male was slowly walking toward him with his head down. “Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo acknowledged him, “Chanyeol, how’ve you been?”

“Well,” With a quieter tone, he repeats, “well. I’m sorry for what happened. I didn’t mean to go through your stuff. I was just shocked that, well…I was embarrassed that I invaded on your privacy. It was wrong of me, I know. I shouldn’t have done it. I really regret hurting you.”

Chanyeol was just…embarrassed? “You weren’t disgusted by what you found?” Kyungsoo blinked, unsure how to piece things together.

Chanyeol’s face wiped with confusion, thick eyebrows raising high. “What? Disgusted? By what?”

A ball of air caught in Kyungsoo’s throat, “The letter…by a boy liking me…and me returning those feelings.”

Chanyeol shook his head furiously, “No. I wouldn’t think that of you. We are a family here, Kyungsoo. We all accept each other because that is what a real family does. But…I wonder, do you still have feelings?”

Kyungsoo whipped his head to stare at him incredulously, “What?”

“For the boy,” he cleared his throat, “in the letter.”

“Oh,” smiling sadly, “He passed away.” It was getting easier to come to terms with.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

They both shuffled on their feet for a bit unable to find the right words to break the awkwardness.

“You know, I think you should tell Baek. It would mean a lot to him if you opened up.” Chanyeol admitted. “He’s really missed you since you were gone, and I only can feel like it is my fault. But I couldn’t tell him because it needed to come from you.”

Kyungsoo had it all wrong. He truly did make a big mistake. “Thanks, Chanyeol. For everything.”

Chanyeol grinned widely showing all his teeth, “Anything for my favorite runaway. Ow.” Kyungsoo felt slightly satisfied his fist had caused Chanyeol some pain.

 

When Baekhyun arrived, he pulled Kyungsoo in a tight hug. It was different, this type. Desperate, like if they let go either of them would disappear. He was still slightly sweaty from the performance and putting up the tigers, but Kyungsoo wouldn’t have it any other way. He still has the faintest hint of the goat milk soap and bonfires.

“You came back.” Baekhyun’s lips caught on the column of Kyungsoo’s throat. His grip tightened and Kyungsoo suddenly wanted to cry. He’s never felt so…belonged.

“I came back.” Kyungsoo said back, slightly stunned as he tugged him closer. They fell asleep with their cots pressed together, not letting the slightest of space separate them.

 

Baekhyun never pried. He just peeled each layer of Kyungsoo’s shield until he was vulnerable and bleeding. Only he had the bandages that would heal Kyungsoo over time.

After saying a tearful goodbye to Yixing and being refused to gift him for his kindness, the circus was a moving caravan once again. Their focused destination: New Orleans, although a few cities will be hit along the way. During most of the days, Kyungsoo spent sewing new outfits for the performers. Joonmyun had made a special fund when they realized his talent and bought him all sorts of materials to create with. He’d even opened a little booth where people could buy decorated hats or little coin purses Kyungsoo made with spare materials.

It was one night after Baekhyun had a full glass of moonshine, did Kyungsoo decided to have terrible timing. Baekhyun was crooning into a bottle, serenading Soojung who was pushing him away repulsed. He leeched onto Jongdae next by landing on his lap.

Jongdae spent one second amused before bringing Baekhyun’s delirious state to Kyungsoo’s attention. “Take ‘im. I don’t want to babysit.”

Baekhyun grinned lopsidedly, eyes curling cutely. He didn’t seem at all insulted by Jongdae’s remark and latched onto Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo offered an amused smile before turning back to Minseok. Baekhyun took a seat beside him and buried his face in between the younger’s shoulder blades.

“You should probably get him to bed.” Minseok shook his head at Baekhyun’s swaying body.

Kyungsoo patted Baekhyun’s thigh, “Probably. Come on you large child.”

Baekhyun glowered at him through his fringe, “I’m older than you. Be nice to me.” His voice dropped, whispering low in his ear.

Kyungsoo squirmed in his seat when Minseok raised a suspicious brow. “That’s it. Up.” Kyungsoo pulled on Baekhyun’s limbs to get him to stand as they walk away from the fire pit Chanyeol started to their tent. Along the way, Baekhyun wrapped his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulder and placed his arm around the tamer’s waist.

Baekhyun snuggled closer to the warmth. His eyes were clear. He didn’t drink much, but Baekhyun gets drunk with the atmosphere. With calming Kyungsoo, he sobered. “Are you sad?”

Kyungsoo frowned looking at Baekhyun sporting a pout meaning business. “Not anymore.” Kyungsoo revealed honestly. He wasn’t. Not since Baekhyun was back in his life.

“Were you sad?”

Kyungsoo sighed and signaled Baekhyun to sit beside him in their tent, “I was.”

Baekhyun sat half-way on Kyungsoo’s lap, thighs overlapping. “Was it because of me?” Baekhyun pouted, his freckle by his lip made more prominent.

Running a hand through his short hair, the younger explained. “Yes, but it wasn’t just you. I make myself sad.”

Baekhyun warmed Kyungsoo’s cheeks with his slapping his palms onto the, his fingers dusting the fine hairs at the sides, “I don’t want to make you sad.”

Leaning into the touch, Kyungsoo let himself fall, and with that the words came, “That day we met, I had lost my best friend before. He was sent to the war, b-but…” Baekhyun waited attentively. His eyebrows were pulled together, the corners of his mouth tugging down. “He was put to death because I-we kissed.”

Slowly, Baekhyun breathed, “You and him?”

“Yes,” Kyungsoo couldn’t look at him. “I had feelings for a m-man. My parents threw me out, and I was basically chased out of town when people found out. I had nowhere to run. When I jumped on that train and you and Joonmyun offered me a place, I was scared that if you knew how I felt, you wouldn’t want me here either. So I didn’t tell anyone. It was fine until—While you were gone, Chanyeol found out. I didn’t want him to know, but he found the letter Sehun, my best friend, had written. I thought he was going to tell everyone—”

“Chanyeol wouldn’t do that.”

Kyungsoo hung his head guiltily, “I know that now. But I just assumed he would tell everyone. It was just time before the circus didn’t want me anymore, and you…” a shuddering breath, “would hate me. I hated myself. I still do.”

“Don’t!” Baekhyun’s loud octave shocked Kyungsoo. His eyes widened when he saw little pools forming at the bottoms of his eyes. “You always say things like this, but I,” He adjusted until he’s sitting on his calves slightly peering down at Kyungsoo, “I need you to see that you are worth so much more. Everyone here at this circus will accept you—”

“You don’t know that.”

Baekhyun sucked in his lower lip and exhaled, “They did it with me.”

It ached, Kyungsoo’s lungs, as the air passageways closed with the stuttering of his heart. “What?” He managed to blurt.

Baekhyun’s palms were warm where they flattened over his thighs pressing into the starch fabric. A slow smile grew. Kyungsoo watched Baekhyun’s cheeks firm with the stretch. “I like boys.”

“Boys?” Kyungsoo gulped. His brain short-circuiting. Baekhyun just tossed him a grenade without warning, pushed him off the tightrope to fall. “They know you like…?”

Baekhyun giggled, cheeks pink. A net was there to catch him. Kyungsoo blushed in response.  “Boys. Yes, and they still keep me around, and not just because I’m the only one that can handle the kittens. They accept me for who I am. I told you, we are a family. No judgements are allowed. We like you Kyungsoo, no matter who you have feelings for.”

Kyungsoo opened his mouth, but there’s silence. He’s never felt so supported or cared for. It’s overwhelming, so much so that he began to shake with his vision slightly blurry. “I’m sorry, I’m not like this.”

Baekhyun only swiped the wetness away tenderly. “It’s alright. Be yourself around me. Stop trying to keep everything inside.”

“I’m sorry I thought you would hate me.” Kyungsoo wiped his draining nose on Baekhyun’s handkerchief that was stuffed in his pocket.

“How could I? Losing you for those months were as close as I came to hate you, but I still couldn’t do it. I knew that you had something hiding. If I were you, I probably would have ran too.” They sat in silence until Kyungsoo could piece everything together clearly. Baekhyun started to hum a tune.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kyungsoo suddenly asked.

“It’s not something I particularly shout. I guess I just thought you already knew. When I told everyone, it was very unceremonious. I just said it loudly at dinner and everyone continued eating. Like it was a normal day.”

“No one ever approached you about it?”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “Jongdae came to me a few days after I announced it and asked me if I found him attractive. I told him that he will always be favored more by the elephants than me. He told me that he’s too handsome for me anyways.” Baekhyun paused, biting his lip in hesitation. “How did you know?”

“That I liked boys?” The tamer nodded. “I never was really attracted to girls. I didn’t find it interesting. I didn’t think much of it though until I met Sehun and slowly the idea started forming in my head. Then when he kissed me right before he left, I knew. There was no going back.”

“My brother used to always have girlfriends while growing. It didn’t mean much since he was only a few years older than me, but the whole time I kept thinking ‘I want a boyfriend’.” Kyungsoo laughed, he could see bratty Baekhyun on the prowl for a boyfriend. It made his heart squeeze.

“Now, I don’t have some immature desire to have a relationship.” His eyes flickered, golden warmth shimmering in the depths of brown. “I want this one boy who can play with my pets well and can sew as many beads on my outfit as I want.”

Kyungsoo’s breath hitched searching for the meaning in Baekhyun’s eyes, hopeful and clear. “That’s a pretty demanding list. Beom doesn’t like just anyone.” They gravitated towards one another, anticipation and thundering heartbeats lingering in the shallow intake of oxygen. It rushed in Kyungsoo’s ears.

“He likes _you_.” Baekhyun said meaningfully. His forehead bumped into Kyungsoo’s, “Likes you a lot.” Baekhyun’s hands curled around the hem of Kyungsoo’s shirt as their breathes mingled. Timidly, their lips brushed, caressed with the softest touch as if either would take off running in a second.

Kyungsoo wasn’t going to run anymore. Not when Baekhyun sighed at the slightest pressure like he’s yearned for this moment for months. Sehun’s lips had whispered of dreams, but Baekhyun was his dream. Kyungsoo felt surreal, drifting in the sky with Baekhyun’s smile coaxing a mirrored reflection on Kyungsoo’s face.

Kyungsoo wasn’t fixed, but he felt whole in Baekhyun’s arms. And with a little more time, maybe he can learn to fully love himself along with the process of loving Baekhyun. Something told him when they separated and Baekhyun came crashing back with a building keen in his throat, that he would wait for Kyungsoo.

 

“Chanyeol ripped his pants again.” Kyungsoo mumbled with his eyes closed as Baekhyun massaged his scalp while they bathed. Baekhyun’s hands paused before scratching at the tip of his spine.

“Are you really going to talk about Chanyeol’s pants while I am intimately touching you?” Baekhyun leaned down and whispered in Kyungsoo’s ear.

Chills pricked the hairs on Kyungsoo’s neck. He craned his neck just draw Baekhyun in to lick a drop of water sliding down his neck. It worked. “I don’t consider this as very intimate. We’ve had many baths together.”

“What about now?” Baekhyun pressed into Kyungsoo’s back, both very bare. Kyungsoo inhaled sharply when he felt something brushing against the concave of his ass.

Kyungsoo turned around and faced the teasing, mischievous smirk Baekhyun bore. “This is a public bathhouse. Anyone could walk in.”

Baekhyun stepped closer until their toes touched. A gesture Baekhyun seemed to love doing. It was cute, but Kyungsoo won’t tell him that. “I knew you’d be into it.” Kyungsoo frowned when Baekhyun glanced below his belly button where swear to god he tried to compose himself but Baekhyun was persuasive with his mouth and fingers.

They’ve been close like this before, but never enough time to touch, to explore. Or with such little clothing. Baekhyun’s hands were cold from the chilling temperature of the water, but it heated Kyungsoo’s hipbones where they touched, pressing into the smooth dips. The light pressure refuted the innocent peck Baekhyun left on his nose. It invoked the slightest of tint to Kyungsoo’s face creeping up his ears.

Baekhyun tilted his head to slot their lips together, glossy from the drip of their tangled hair. Kyungsoo focused on the movement, the way Baekhyun captured all his intentions by the dangerous canines that pricked the plump lower lip. His fingers trailed behind his back in a close embrace until deviance sunk the digits to risky territory.

Kyungsoo gasped at the first touch of his slowly rising length. Baekhyun only gleamed with mischief, Kyungsoo promised revenge for his own self-preservation. “Baekhyun— _ah,_ not here,” he seethes in between his teeth as blood rushing past his ears dizzied his vision.

Just then, a click of the door. Kyungsoo’s never seen reacted so quickly, tossing a towel over to Baekhyun and covering himself with his own. Chatter that didn’t belong to them dissipated the steam that was rising. Jongdae was snorting over a lame joke with Jongin trailing after.

“Baek, Kyungsoo, you guys just finishing up?” Jongin asked when he spotted them slowing their rushed movements to put clothes on.

“Yes,” Baekhyun answered breathlessly. Kyungsoo hid his smirk at Baekhyun’s disheveled state because _of him._ “We were just leaving.” Kyungsoo barely had a shirt over his head when the tamer guided him out.

They ran across the camp, clothes stuck to their slick skin, laughter following just a few steps behind them. Kyungsoo was free with Baekhyun’s hand warm in his. Although the chilly wind stung his wet scalp, when they were in the safety of their tent, Baekhyun’s hands scorched the soft hairs at the back of his neck with a tug. Kyungsoo groaned at the contact.

Baekhyun giggled in the open press of their mouths, hot breaths intermingling before disappearing by the Baekhyun’s insistent need to lick into the corners of Kyungsoo’s mouth, curling around Kyungsoo’s tongue deliciously. Kyungsoo sucked making Baekhyun keen pulling at Kyungsoo’s shirt.

Kyungsoo wanted to capture every single bead of water that threatened to slip in rivulets down Baekhyun’s body. He sipped the moisture, marking the pinked skin to a blushing red. Baekhyun arched into the touch, squirming no matter if he was being touched or doing the touching.

Baekhyun tugged off his clothes before scrambling to finish undressing the younger. He inhaled heavily, puffs of air coasting Kyungsoo’s collarbone as he watched his member, fully hard now, bob and curl towards the undulating belly. He grasped their cocks together, twitching into the touch and twisted his wrist.

Kyungsoo couldn’t hold back the unabashed moan spill out of his lips. He jerked with Baekhyun’s touch. His mind was frazzled, unsure where to place his hands but he just needed Baekhyun’s skin on his. It was addicting. He couldn’t rip his gaze from the sight of silken, swollen lips parted with little pants and whimpers that twisted Kyungsoo’s gut.

Baekhyun was just so attractive.

“Gorgeous, Soo,” Baekhyun mumbled, rocking his hips to match the tugs of his hand. They both moved, swiveling their hips with pleasurable speed. Kyungsoo leaned forward to mouth around Baekhyun’s pebbled nipple, chasing after the coiling heat.

Kyungsoo released first, sated and yet energy thrummed under fingertips as Baekhyun unwound, his head dropping back, eyes squeezed shut. Kyungsoo surged forward to kiss, pressing Baekhyun into their cot. “Thank you,” Kyungsoo whispered. There were a million things he was grateful for, Baekhyun’s presence, his acceptance, his honesty, his care, but he couldn’t place which he meant.

Baekhyun looked at his with that same star-glazed look that Kyungsoo loved to see. He just seemed to know what he meant. “We’re in this together…and the kittens.”

Kyungsoo groaned, “Please don’t mention the tigers after we just had sex.”

Baekhyun pouted, “You mentioned Chanyeol. And that’s worse.”

“That was before! Nothing was happening.”

“Something was happening to me.” Baekhyun winked coyly, laughing at Kyungsoo’s huffing. Yet the younger rested his head against the tamer’s shoulder listening to the evening pace of his heart. He was happy. Finally, at peace.

It felt like love. The press of Baekhyun’s soft lips to his temple as his breath slowed. It was love. Something Sehun chased after and was willing to die for, and something Kyungsoo promised his friend he would fight for no matter how long the war lasted. 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
